


Six Minutes to Say Goodbye

by quinnlocke



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Growing Up, Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Temporary Character Death, Underage Drinking, side iwaoi, side kuroken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:51:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10030262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinnlocke/pseuds/quinnlocke
Summary: “AKAASHI!!!”The sound of squealing tires. The smell of burnt rubber. Neon lights bright in his face, or were those headlights? Pain… then… nothing.Bokuto is dead and he's not quite sure how or why. All he knows is there's a strange person wearing his mother's face insisting he watch a film of his life.What good can come from learning where he went wrong? What can possibly change?And why does he have to watch himself say goodbye to the one person he ever loved again?





	1. Chapter 1

**Komi Liberbro** _2:34pm_

Akaashi’s back!!

 **Konoha Jackinori** _2:36pm_

Seriously?

 **Saru** _2:37pm_

Excellent we can finally have a proper reunion!

 **Omonaga-kun** _2:39pm_

I had no idea this group chat was still active

 **Washibro** _2:41pm_

I will be more than happy to host the reunion at my place. Provided Bokuto agrees to keep his pants on this time.

 **Komi Liberbro** _2:43pm_

It’s not a party until someone strips

 **Washibro** _2:45pm_

I have a wife now and a bit more decorum than the rest of you heathens

 **Konoha Jackinori** _2:47pm_

Yes we all know you are married, we were at the wedding.

 **Saru** _2:49pm_

Not everyone can run into their soulmate their first day of Uni!

 **Omonaga-kun** _2:51pm_

Question? Why hasn’t the captain weighed in yet?

 **Komi Liberbro** _2:55pm_

I tried calling his cell but it's off, I’m sure he’ll see the messages soon enough

 **Konoha Jackinori** _2:57pm_

Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?

 **Saru** _2:59pm_

That someone who scowls as much as Washio has no business getting to marry a wife that hot?

 **Washibro** _3:05pm_

What the fuck?

 **~Akaashi~** _4:30pm_

The reunion is going to have to be postponed...There’s been an accident

***

“AKAASHI!!!”

The sound of squealing tires. The smell of burnt rubber. Neon lights bright in his face, or were those headlights? Pain… then… nothing.

As far as feelings go, nothingness is rather odd. He knows he should feel his clothes and yet he doesn’t. He knows his hands are clenched into fists and yet… no, he feels nothing. He swears his eyes are open, yet all he can see is a vast, empty black void.

_Where am I? Who am I? Am I something? Someone? Think Bokuto think!_

“I’m Bokuto Koutarou!”

“Very good, now open your eyes already you dolt.”

He opens his eyes and a bright white light floods his senses, and he thinks for a moment he might have gone blind from the sheer force of it. He closes his eyes against the onslaught.

“I’m blind!” He no longer thinks it, he knows it.

“You’re not blind, pull yourself together.”

“I’m blind; the world was black and then it wasn't and now it is again,” he whines, feeling like he’s five again and has scraped his knee on the pavement outside his home. 

“If you would open your eyes you would see that you are most definitely not blind.”

“I’m not opening my eyes again, that hurt!”

“Do it slowly then, you idiot!”

“Don’t call me that and...who the hell are you?”

The figure in front of him, if he it can call it that, is…. suffice to say it's fucking freaky looking, if he’s being honest. Not to mention the bright white space they are standing in is endless. He feels as though he is floating, through his feet are planted firmly on the ground. If that is the ground.

“If you would calm down for just two seconds, I can adjust my appearance to be less...freaky? Freaky, very odd, strange, or eccentric; well now that’s just rude. You try not being able to build a proper appearance without first combing through eons of a person's memory to find the right face.”

 _It can read my mind_ , he thinks. _No stop thinking, thinking is bad. Stop looking at it, it knows you think it's freaky!_

“If you would kindly calm down long enough for me to get a grasp on your memories this would all go much smoother for you.”

He watches in amazement as what seems to be hundreds of faces shift and mold in front of him. The figure’s body shifts with them, all at once appearing male, female, and even something not even resembling human. It's as though it's everything all at once and yet not. 

“There, how does this work for you?”

“Kaachan?”

His mother stands before him, her bright smile and dark brown eyes warm with love. She opens her arms to him and he almost runs to her, but he hesitates. “You’re not my mother.”

“No.”

“Then I would rather you didn’t look like her.”

“Normally my clients prefer to hear the bad news from their loved ones.”

“Bad news? What bad news, where the hell am I and what is going on?”

His voice echoes back to him once… twice… and then dead silence. As if it was never there. And then he realizes…

“I’m dead.” It's not a question, it's a statement and it rings hollow.

“I’m afraid so.”

“I can’t remember where I was,” he scratches his head trying to jog his memory. A face, but whose face? His mother—not his mother—watches him curiously. “How did I die?”

“You were hit by a car,” she states with no sympathy, which is something he’s not used to hearing from his mother’s voice. “Honestly what did you expect, running into the road like that?”

“I ran into the road? Why?”

“We’ll get to that soon enough. For now its memory time!” Not-his-mother claps her hands excitedly and Bokuto suddenly finds himself sitting in a plush leather chair. A film starts playing in front of him as the white space surrounding him begins to dim until he can see the images clear as day. “You touched a lot of lives, Koutarou. Would you like to see them all?”

“Can I ask a question?”

“You already did,” not his mother says with a smirk and Bokuto glares at her. “Fine then.”

“Who are you?”

Not-his-mother’s eyes widen and she gasps in shock. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I forgot to introduce myself. You would think after a millenia I would remember the intro.” She takes a small bow and looks back up with a wicked grin. “I’m your Grim Reaper.”

Bokuto thinks for a moment he should be scared. After all, a strange figure who wore a million faces took on not just his mother’s face but also her voice and is now introducing herself as Death, but not just Death, his own personal Death. The only thing Bokuto can think in that moment is...cool!

“I have my own Grim Reaper?” He’s not entirely sure why he finds this to be such an amazing fact. He’s always talking about being the best and how awesome he is. To find out that he was great enough to have his own Reaper, now that’s just icing on the cake. Too bad he’s dead, he’d rub it right in Kuroo’s face.

“Well, I’m your Grim Reaper for now,” not-his-mother, really he should stop thinking of her like that, corrects him. “There’s a process to go through, there’s a film as you can see and we’ll have a chat about your life and once we’ve reached the end I’ll send you on your way and the next soul will drop in and maybe they’ll be polite enough to not think I look ‘freaky’ right off the bat.”

Bokuto feels himself deflate; he’s not special enough to have his own personal Reaper. He pouts and sinks back into the chair, refusing to look at Grim; yes, that’s what he’s going to call them. Grim seems to sense his shift and their voice softens, it gives him chills remembering how gentle his mother always was and knowing he’ll never get to feel that again.

“Hey now, I’m your Reaper for as long as you need me. Honestly, I’ve been doing this job for years and I’ll be doing it for many more. We have all the time to go through your memories and figure out exactly where you went wrong.”

“What do you mean where I went wrong?” His head shoots up quickly and Grim’s eyes widen.

“Oops,” Grim says with a finger pressed against their lips. “I got a bit ahead of myself there. Not to worry, we will get there soon enough. Now on to the show!”

“Wait!”

“Shhhhh.”

He pouts and folds his arms, staring at the film in front of him. His mother, his actual mother, holding him in her arms just hours after he was born. She looks tired, but so happy. He remembers her telling him the story of the day he was born. 

_“You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. I thought I would be so lost without him but then you opened those big eyes and I saw him and I knew I hadn’t lost him forever.”_

“You were her miracle,” Grim says. “When did your father pass?”

“A month before I was born. She named me Koutarou because I was the one bright light in her life,” he stares at the screen seeing his mother laying in her bed, with him curled up against her chest as she hummed a song she only ever sang for him. She had let him sleep in her bed until he was six. He’d once crawled in with her when he was fourteen. The day before his first day at Fukurodani. It’s as though the film can also read his mind and begins to play the scene in front of him. It’s odd to see his memories played back from someone else’s perspective. His hair is still jet black; he hadn’t gone Full Owl just yet.

He watches as he clambers into bed with his mother, who he towered over by six inches at that point. And yet when she held him close he felt so small again, but so incredibly safe.

_“What if I don’t make it on the team Kaachan?”_

_“Hush now Kou-chan, you are going to be great. I always told you that you were the best and you’ll show them that.”_

“That wasn’t the last time you did that either,” Grim says and Bokuto feels his chest tighten as he tries to block the memory from coming.

“Wait no don’t!”

His words fell on deaf ears because soon the scene shifts and he’s nineteen and once again laying beside his mother, tears streaming down his face. She hums her song and rocks him gently as he sobs, his entire body shaking.

_“If it was the right thing why does it hurt so much?”_

_“I don’t know baby, I don’t know.”_

“Make it go away,” he begs and the screen goes black. “Why? Why show me that?”

“Your subconscious is what drives the film forward. I have no idea what’s coming or what will happen, you determine how much of your life you see and remember. The strongest memories will be the ones you’ve shared with others though.”

Bokuto narrows his eyes at Grim; he only half believes what he is hearing. Grim has already let on twice now that they know what happened in his life and yet… they claim to not know. He holds back from confronting them on it for now, after all they’ve only just gotten started.

“Well carry on then, what comes next?”

“Your younger years are hazy,” Grim comments pointing to the screen. Bokuto sees himself as a child, playing in the park, going on trips with his mother, in elementary school. But it all plays back like someone put a thin layer of gossamer over the lens. “You didn’t touch many lives in this stage, so there’s nothing to be gleaned from it.” Grim almost sounds like they’re disappointed in Bokuto’s lack of an impact.

“I was a kid, was I supposed to be creating the cure for cancer?” he retorts feeling offended.

“Mozart wrote a symphony before he was a teenager.”

“I spiked my first volleyball at seven.” And the film shows it clear as day, though Bokuto is too distracted to notice. “How about we go with my strengths instead of comparing me to dead German composers.”

“Mozart was Austrian.”

“Oh fuck off!”

He watches as his early life is played out in snippets, quick flashes in time played out like a montage from an old movie. As he ages, the images become clearer. “If these are my memories why am I not seeing them through my own eyes?”

“It's your memories and the collected memories of those who knew you. So you’re seeing it through your and their eyes if that makes any sense. If you weren't present for something, then you won't see a memory of it. Simple as that. How much of this do you want to see anyway?”

“All of it,” he says quickly with a smile. He’s watching his tenth birthday play out before him. His mother had thrown him a surprise party; everyone from his school had been invited. He grins when he sees his younger self's reaction to the volleyball gifted to him by his grandfather. It had been his first ‘moment’ when it came to the sport. 

“What is that?”

“It’s a volleyball.”

“What’s a volleyball?”

Bokuto scowls and turns to face Grim, ready to lecture him on the fine sport that is volleyball. He’s distracted, however, because not-his-mother is no longer next to him. He’s staring at the perpetually smiling face of his former teammate Sarukui Yamato. Rather than say hello, he simply screams.

“What the fuck!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, so this is my first Haikyu fic ever. This is also my first time branching out of writing Dragon Age fanfic so please bear with me.
> 
> Couple things to note.
> 
> I am going with Kaachan as what Bokuto calls his mother because I headcanon that she babies him until the very end. He is her one and only baby and she spoils him. Not that he is rotten, he is just simply loved very much by his mother.


	2. Chapter 2

Sarukui Yamato hasn’t been this short in over a decade. And yet there he is, his feet barely hanging over the edge of the leather chair he sits on. He stares at Bokuto, with a barely concealed smile on his face.

“What?”

“Could you warn a guy when you’re gonna suddenly change faces?”

“I take on the faces of the people whose lives you touched and made an impact on. Is this face not someone you wish to see?” Bokuto does his best not to gulp at the revelation. There’s a sudden flash and he sees a packed street and a face… he wants to run to it.

“Bokuto?”

“No that’s fine, Saru is fine. I’ve known him since I was a kid. I’m the one who got him into volleyball,” he answers quickly, rubbing his forehead. Strange; he could have sworn he felt something finally. 

“Did you now?”

“You know I did.”

“I don’t know anything you’ve done Bokuto. These are your memories; I’m merely directing the show.”

Bokuto narrows his eyes at that statement. It almost seems impossible that this omnipotent being can assume the face of anyone he’s ever known just by reading his mind and memories and yet does not _know_ his memories. He wants to retort and call Grim on what can only be yet another flaw in his story, but he relents.

“Could you maybe not be Saru when he was a kid? No offense, but I am sufficiently weirded out by the idea of a child Reaper. It’s nightmare fuel man. Keep me up all night thinking of tiny hands coming for me in the dark.”

Saru starts laughing as his body shifts and he ages rapidly in front of Bokuto’s eyes. He was wrong thinking that Grim just being a child was nightmare inducing… so very wrong. Finally an eighteen year old Saru stares back at him. “Better?”

“Holy shit, mark me down as scared and intrigued. Is that what it would look like if someone started aging? Like you see it in movies and shit but damn that was... holy shit!”

“If we could focus on the film,” Saru-Grim says, avoiding looking directly at Bokuto.

“Oh come on! You can’t change faces and age in front of me and expect me to…” He silences himself simply because he has never seen Saru look angry before. No hint of a smile on his face what so ever; Bokuto slumps back into his chair. “Fine then.”

“So as you can see you met... Saru, was it?” Bokuto gives a nod, sinking further back into his chair. “You met Saru when you went to your second elementary school?”

“Third,” Bokuto responds dryly. “We moved a lot.”

“You were troublesome?”

“I was overly excitable,” he mutters. “But I wasn’t the reason for the moves. I used to think I was during my…bad moments.” He hesitates to even talk about it, but Grim probably already knows. If he does, though, he gives no indication. “The first move might have been about me, but I didn’t cause it. Kaachan wanted out of Tokyo for awhile. Too many things reminded her of my father. We lived out in the country with family for a few years. But...things got awkward after a while.”

_“You need to think about remarrying, Moriko.”_

_“I am perfectly fine on my own.”_

_“What about Kou-chan? He needs a masculine presence in his life.”_

_“His grandfather is more than enough.”_

_“His grandfather won't be around forever though. Plus the boy is….”_

_“The boy is what? I dare you, I dare you to say something about my son! Koutarou is fine! He’s enthusiastic, I don’t see why this is such a problem.”_

_“That enthusiasm is going to get him into trouble someday. He needs a father figure to keep him in check, to teach him how to…”_

_“I am more than enough for him, I...Koutarou!”_

Bokuto sighs and stares at his mother’s face; he wasn’t supposed to hear the conversation she had been having with his uncle. It hadn’t been the first time he’d heard it either. Before he was even walking his mother’s family had pressured her to remarry. To find a husband and settle back into the life she was supposed to have lived with his father. 

_“I can’t do that to Koutarou. It would mean devoting myself to someone other than him. He needs my full attention.”_

“Stop that,” he says, turning to glare at Saru-Grim—whatever the hell he’s supposed to call him now. “Stop making my memories flash like that.”

Saru holds his hand up in a show of surrender. “I don’t control this Bokuto, where your mind goes it follows.”

“Well then I would like to skip ahead please; I met Saru when I was ten when we moved back to Tokyo.”

_“Hey hey hey, I’m Bokuto!”_

_“Sarukui. Pleased to meet you.”_

_“I like your smile!”_

_“I’m not smiling.”_

_“You’re not?”_

_“No.”_

_“Well then I guess I just like your face Saru!”_

“That might very well be one of the most ridiculous first meetings I have ever been witness to,” Saru-Grim intones dryly. Hearing it in Saru’s voice actually brings Bokuto out of the slouch he was in.

“Are you kidding me? That’s like the start of a beautiful friendship. I forgot that I’ve been calling him Saru for over a decade. I could have sworn he didn’t have that nickname until high school,” he retorts, hands shaking. “Besides, none of this stuff is important, you asked me what volleyball was before you scared the shit out of me by having Saru’s face.”

“Ah yes, we got sidetracked discussing your life, you know the thing we’re here to do.”

“Excuse me, but volleyball _is_ my life,” he says with a grin and a snap. He points at the video screen and hopes that it feels like humoring him. Sure enough, the film pans through scene after scene of Bokuto running about the volleyball court, spiking the ball, taking a volleyball to the face, spiking the ball, celebrating, taking a volleyball to the face… okay seriously, how many times did he take a volleyball to the face in his life?

“That looks painful.”

“Worth it, though. Volleyball was the answer to my ‘enthusiasm,’ as the teachers called it. Kaachan said I just needed an outlet and if my teachers had been smarter they would have pushed me towards sports sooner.”

_“He has more stamina than most of the boys his age. He’s also growing fast, I would definitely recommend he continue to pursue it.”_

_“His raw power at this age is impressive. Have you considered sending him to the summer training camps? They offer a juniors program.”_

_“He’s growing out of his clothes so quickly, how do you keep up Moriko?”_

_“We need to talk about Koutarou’s… moods. He’s better than he was, with the addition of volleyball to his activities, but there are times…”_

_“The school covers some of the travel expenses but you will need to cover a few of the fees.”_

_“If you nurture the potential now, he could potentially make a career out of this.”_

_“He needs to learn to focus in class as well as on the court.”_

_“Never let anyone tell you that you aren’t the best, my little light.”_

_“Okay, Kaachan.”_

Bokuto cringes at the voices and shakes his head. “She worked two jobs to get me into that training camp. They told her there would be high school scouts there and there was the chance one of the powerhouse schools would want to offer me a scholarship. But I already knew where I wanted to go.”

“Fukurodani.”

“Yup, and you said you don’t know what’s coming next.”

“Did I say that?”

“Yes you did.”

_“Fukurodani is on the rise to becoming one of the top schools in Tokyo. They beat both Ubugawa and Shinzen in the Spring Tournament!”_

_“And their mascot is an owl!”_

_“Its also one of the top schools when it comes to college acceptance.”_

_“And their mascot is an owl!”_

_“The sports program is top notch…”_

_“Their mascot is an owl!”_

“What is it with you and owls?” Grim asks with a tilt to their head.

“There isn’t enough time to explain why owls are so amazing. But I can tell you where the obsession began. Coincidentally it began with that very training camp.”

“You met someone.”

Bokuto turned to look and was better prepared for the face he was expecting to see. 

Black hair stuck up in the back and front of a long face with cat-like golden eyes and a smirk like no other. He burst out laughing immediately, rolling out of his chair and onto the ground.

“Why are you laughing?” Kuroo-Grim asks.

“I can’t not laugh, the Grim Reaper is wearing the face of the guy who once dared me to run through Shinzen’s third gym wearing nothing but my kneepads!”

“Are you serious?”

“Dead serious,” Bokuto says with a laugh, and jumps up to give Grim a hug, laughing over the being’s protests. “I am never gonna get another chance to do this again so humor me.”

“This face is one you like, then?” Grim asks, wrapping his arms tentatively around Bokuto.

“Like? I love this face, man. Kuroo is my QPP, my bro, my lifemate, like seriously we’re gonna be here for awhile if that movie screen is gonna play out mine and Kuroo’s moments.”

“I did explain that we have ample time.”

“Wait, I know what I want to see!”

_“It’s called a time difference attack, and I have been practicing it all year,” the younger Kuroo said, staring down the boy in front of him, whom Bokuto remembers as Daishou Suguru. If Kuroo and his best friend would be described as cat-like, then Daishou would definitely be described as a snake._

_Bokuto is at the other end of the table, watching intently. He’d noticed the odd spiker-setter duo early on and was looking for the right opportunity to talk to the tall one with the ridiculous hair._

_“With that little shrimp? He doesn’t even look like he wants to be here,” Daishou sneered and pointed at the smaller of the pair. If the younger boy noticed he said nothing, just continued to bury his face in the handheld he was playing on._

_“Don’t underestimate Kenma; he has a sense for these things.”_

_“He barely speaks; I’m surprised he can sense where he’s walking.”_

_“What did you just say?!” Kuroo nearly jumped out of his seat ready to defend his friend._

_“Hey hey hey, dude how do you style your hair like that?” Bokuto slid over and defused the situation immediately. The two boys stared at him like he had suddenly sprouted a second head. “It looks really cool and my hair just sort of hangs and I’ve been trying to find a way to like spike it on either side of my head.”_

_“Its bed head,” a soft voice deadpanned. Bokuto turned to look at the younger boy who had yet to look up from his handheld. “Kuro sleeps funny and his hair has decided to revolt because of it.”_

_Daishou huffed and walked off, leaving the three boys to look at one another and laugh._

_“Is it really bed head?”_

_“Tch, yeah, thanks for selling me out, Kitten.” Kuroo’s voice was full of affection as he ruffled his companions head. “I’m Kuroo Tetsurou and my sometimes silent partner here is Kozume Kenma.”_

_“Nice to meet you Kuroo, Kozume. I’m Bokuto Koutarou.”_

_“So what kind of spikes are you trying to get?”_

_“Okay so hear me out, have you ever seen a horned owl?”_

Bokuto smiles as the screen freezes on the moment. Kenma has his handheld but is looking at the two of them with curiosity. Kuroo has a bewildered expression on his face and Bokuto is wide-eyed with excitement. He wonders how many times they shared those same looks with one another over the years.

_“Dude, you did it!” Bokuto said with glee, staring at himself in the mirror. His black hair standing in two perfect spikes on either side of his head. Kuroo stood back with his arms folded over his chest, with a look of deep thought on his face._

_“Nah man, you gotta change up this color, you look more like Goku than an owl.”_

_“So like blonde?”_

_“No bro, now hear me out. Silver!”_

_“Bro!”_

_An audible chuckle can be heard and both Kuroo and Bokuto look to see Kenma in the corner, a small smile on his lips as his fingers rapidly press away. “Its gonna look ridiculous,” Kenma said before he looked up at them. “Do it.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *inserts personal headcanon about Bokuto's hair*
> 
> I intended every chapter to focus on one character for Grim to appear as, but someone (cough Kuroo cough) decided he needed more screen time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning*
> 
> There is an instance here of a parent striking their child.

Bokuto had spent the last weekend before starting high school at Kuroo’s place. Kenma had joined them as well, though he spent much of his time playing some game on his handheld. Occasionally he would join the conversation, adding his thoughts to the conversation like a wise old sage dispensing advice. He had attempted to talk Kuroo out of dyeing Bokuto’s eyebrows, but his words fell on deaf ears. While Bokuto was convinced he had never looked cooler, there was someone who felt otherwise.

An ear piercing shriek reverberates through the empty space Bokuto and Grim occupy. His mother’s face is frozen in horror on the screen in front of him. Bokuto groans, remembering what happened next. 

“I take it she didn’t take to your new appearance very well,” Kuroo-Grim noted with a smirk. “She looks like she’s seen a ghost.”

“It's more to do with what she did not see anymore.”

_“What have you done, Koutarou?”_

_Bokuto cringed, his mother rarely used him full name. Always Kou or Kou-chan, but never Koutarou. “I know it's a bit much, but it will grow out eventually Kaachan.”_

_“Do not address me so informally!”_

_Bokuto’s lip trembled as he took a step back. His mother had always insisted he call her Kaachan, saying other mothers might prefer formalities but she wanted no such thing from him. “I’m sorry, Okaasan. I will not forget my place.”_

_“How dare you do such a thing without asking my permission! What were you thinking?”_

_“Kuroo said—”_

_“I don’t think I like the influence this Kuroo has on you. First you start wearing your hair in this ridiculous fashion, and now you have completely changed your appearance. I don’t recognize you anymore!”_

_“I can’t look like my father forever just because you miss seeing him!”_

_Moriko had never raised a hand to her son, so when the silence was cut off by the sound of a slap both of them were shocked. Bokuto held a hand to his cheek and stared at his mother open-mouthed._

_“Kou…”_

_“May I be excused to my room, Okaasan? I am sorry for displeasing you.”_

_He didn’t bother waiting to hear her answer before departing from her sight._

“We never actually apologized to one another for that,” Bokuto informs Grim, despite his belief the other already knows this. “I think in some way I always knew she held onto me the way she did because I was the only connection she had left to him. She didn’t like to talk about him, but sometimes I would see her looking at me with this sad expression. Like I had done something she had only ever seen him do.”

_“Bokuto-san, we here at Fukurodani Academy pride ourselves on our sports clubs and expect the best of the athletes who participate in them. Your son will be attending on a sports scholarship, meaning he will need to excel not only within his sport but also in his academics. His report cards from junior high are...to say slightly troublesome. His scholarship will be rescinded if he fails to maintain at least average grades. You have made him aware of this, I hope.”_

_“Koutarou is aware of the consequences if he does not perform to the best of his abilities. I do hope your school also provides the necessary education for my son. I have seen too many teachers declare my son unteachable, and yet I send him to another school and there he shines. Given the cost of the uniforms I certainly hope some of that money is going towards hiring educators who will nurture the talent of_ every _student.”_

There’s a strange sort of sound overplaying his mother’s voice and it sounds strangely like his own. Kuroo-Grim curls his lip in confusion and glares at the screen. Bokuto sighs because he already knows what’s happening. He’s heard that voice for nearly a decade; it comes and goes depending on his stress level. There are times it brings him to his knees in fear, or rips him to shreds with sadness; other times it just leaves him stressed, wanting an escape.

_“You’re going to fail, you’re not smart enough for this, you’ll just disappoint everyone. Why even try? You’re just a fatherless child who's done nothing but be a burden since you were born...you’ll never be as good as she wants you to be.”_

“Why do you tell yourself these things?”

“It’s not like I intend to, they just pop up sometimes when I’m feeling less than myself, or even when I am feeling all of myself,” he says with a shrug. The doctor tells me its anxiety, but I don’t like the way the meds affect me, so I don't take them.”

In truth, he hadn't received a diagnosis until he’d entered University. One of his professors had pulled him aside and handed him a pamphlet without saying a single word. Bokuto had read it three times before he had been willing to even consider he might have exactly what it entailed. His roommate had been the one to convince him to actually seek out help. 

_“No shame Bo-chan, it's no different than my knee. Just something that needs fixing.”_

“Oh would you look at that, we are jumping ahead!” Bokuto interrupts the playback before it can come in clearly. “No need to focus on what happened in the past, why are we doing this anyway? Hey, I know I want to see! The summer after training camp; I spent more time at Kuroo and Kenma’s houses than my own!”

Bokuto watches as the summer plays out for him. Bokuto never wanted for anything, but that didn’t mean his mother had the money for impromptu trips to the arcade, the movies, or any other place a young teenage boy was bound to want to go. Kozume-san did, and was so thankful for the presence of a friend in her son's life she was more than happy to take care of most of the expenses that came with Bokuto spending the summer.

_“No really, I shouldn’t accept.”_

_“Moriko, I won’t force you to accept. But I won’t use any of the money you give me. Koutarou will always return with the same amount no matter how many times you insist.”_

_“I can take care of....”_

_“I never said you couldn’t and I never will. Please accept the assistance of the woman who admires all that you do, because she knows the face of a mother who is doing all she can on her own.”_

“That’s why I pushed myself so hard to get that scholarship. I knew she’d work herself to death to send me there on her own, so I made sure she wouldn’t have to.”

_“Never enough, you’re a burden, you make her work too hard…”_

“How in the world do you put up with that?” Kuroo-Grim asked and Bokuto shrugged. 

“You get used to it, I guess. Or at least you find ways to make it quieter. Volleyball usually was the answer to that.”

_“Komi Haruki, Libero! Thank you for having me!”_

_“Washio Tatsuki, middle blocker, thank you for having me.”_

_“Konoha Akinori, I can play a little bit of everything I guess. Thank you for having me.”_

_“Surukui Yamato, wing spiker. Thank you for having me!”_

_“Bokuto Koutarou! Wing Spiker but I will be the Ace! Thank you for having me!”_

“Overconfident much?”

“Ha! I made it after all. Only took me months of being berated by the third years for my ego and my...moods. I would be like really good, and then I would miss a spike and I couldn’t stop myself from being upset by it. I’d miss again and then suddenly I just didn’t want any more tosses.”

_“I suck, okay! Stop tossing to me; I’m just going to miss all of them!”_

_“Bokuto-chan, go take a rest.”_

_“Yes Takuya-san.”_

Seto Takuya was a no-nonsense second year, vice-captain of the team and the only setter Fukurodani had to speak of. Other players might take confidence in the fact that their position was uncontested, but for Takuya it only meant he needed to be that much harder on himself as well as his teammates. He had laughed at Bokuto’s declaration his first day and sought to help his kouhai claim the title. 

_“Komi-chan, do some receiving drills with Washio. Konoha-kun act as setter.”_

_“Hai!”_

_“Bokuto-kun, your straights are getting worse. I want you to focus on the crosses from now on.”_

_“I just need more practice!”_

_“I don’t have the time to dedicate to you to practice all night. Stick to the cross or I will tell coach to reconsider putting you on the court for the Inter-high preliminaries.”_

_“Bokuto, you’re up!”_

_“It was a loss, we’re not going to ignore that. But we made it to the end gentlemen. I am proud of the team we have put together.”_

_“Your fault, your fault, just quit, you don’t belong!”_

“So you lost,” Kuroo-Grim notes, turning his gaze to Bokuto, who stares at the image of himself curled up in the locker room, biting back tears.

“We lost in the final game of the inter-high, and it was my spike that got blocked,” he says with a sigh. “I was ready to quit, but the team stopped me.”

_“Oi! You owl-headed moron what do you think you are doing!” Konoha’s voice rang loud and clear._

_“I’m quitting!”_

_“Why?” Komi asked, standing in between Konoha and Sarukui, effectively blocking Bokuto from entering the gym. Washio appeared behind him; he was stuck._

_“I cost us the game.”_

_“No one player is responsible for a win or loss. It is the team that brings victory,” Washio intoned in his deep voice._

_“If I hadn’t missed that receive at the beginning of the match we would have been up a point,” Komi added._

_“If Konoha and I had timed our jumps better, we would have blocked more of their spikes,” Sarukui joined. “Don’t quit man, you worked so hard to get here. This is your dream!”_

_“Bokuto! Coach wants to see you,” Takuya called to him._

_“Stay on the team,” Komi whispered as he walked past._

_“Coach, you wanted to see me?”_

_“Bokuto, I am making you a regular.”_

_“Coach!”_

_“You did well in the Inter-high, I can see why you were scouted. We’re gonna spend this summer doing more to bring out that talent.”_

“So you stayed?”

“Of course I stayed! I love volleyball, it’s my life, my career! I was… oh fuck!”

“What?”

“Dude, I can’t be dead! The Olympics are in two years, I’m on the team!”

“You are just realizing this now?”

“Listen, I don’t know if you are aware of this but sometimes I am a little slow on the uptake. My brain is too busy thinking of everything else going on. Send me back!”

“I can’t send you back!”

“Why the fuck not!”

“Because I’m a Grim Reaper, you idiot! I don’t bring people back to life!”

“But I can’t be dead, I was doing things! I was going to the Olympics! I was finally ready!” Bokuto yells angrily. “I need more time! Three years, six months, three weeks, and four days!”

“What?”

“That’s how long I waited!”

“To go to the Olympics?”

“No, for him to come back!”

“Who?”

_“Akaashi Keiji, setter, thank you for having me.”_

_“Hey hey hey! I’m Bokuto!”_

_“Nice to meet you.”_

_“Will you stay late with me?”_

_“What?”_

_“Stay late with me and help me practice. everyone keeps saying I should stick to cross spikes, but they keep getting blocked. Takuya-san never stays late to help me practice my straights. You’re gonna be the new setter so I should learn to work with you cause I’m gonna be the Ace! Will you help me?_

_“You want me to help you become the Ace?”_

_“Please say yes, I will be the best senpai ever if you say yes.”_

_“Yes Bokuto-san, I will help you.”_

_“Akaaashi you’re the best!”_

Bokuto gasps and stares at the person on the screen. A short teen with limbs too long for his body. Braces that made it so he almost never smiled. Thick black hair that might have curled if not for the weight of the oil in it. A long pale face peppered with acne marks. Akaashi Keiji had not been a beauty the day he met Bokuto Koutarou. But to Bokuto it never mattered. He would always be his...

“Akaashi…” he whispers with a sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh!
> 
> I debated over and over posting this chapter because I worry that I am mischaracterizing everyone. But its Bokuaka week and Day 1 is first meetings I really wanted to post this in time. So I really hope you enjoyed it.


	4. Chapter 4

_“Wow, your fingers are so long Akaashi!”_

_“Your powers of observation are astounding Bokuto-san.”_

_“Thank you! I am the best aren’t I?”_

_“Indeed…”_

_“It's good though.”_

_“What is?”_

_“Your fingers. It's good they are long like that. They’re perfect for setting!”_

_He gazed down at his hands as though he’d never seen them before, and a rare smile crossed his face. “I suppose you’re right.”_

“Akaashi…” Bokuto whispers with a sob. He turns to look at Grim and feels as though someone punched him in the gut. Fifteen year old Akaashi Keiji, whose limbs were too long for his 170 cm body, whose thick black hair was so oily it shone, whose forehead was dotted with acne, and whose smile was almost non-existent due to the braces he wore. Tears pool in the corner of Bokuto’s eyes as he takes in the sight. 

“This face...it should please you,” Akaashi-Grim intones. “Is something wrong?”

Bokuto grabs Akaashi-Grim’s hand and pulls the small teenager to him, wrapping his arms around him in a fierce hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t understand…”

“I’m sorry for what happens.”

“We should continue with…” Akaashi-Grim goes to push him away and Bokuto stiffens.

“When I pull away...please pick a new face. I’m going to close my eyes and when I open them… please… please be someone else. I can’t look at him please.”

When Bokuto opens his eyes it's Konoha staring back at him with a look of mild annoyance, which honestly isn't all that different from the real Konoha. He tries to smile and almost cracks a joke, anything to relieve the tension he inevitably cast over an already awkward situation.

“Why did you ask me to change?”

Bokuto shakes his head and stares at the blank screen in front of him. “Not important.”

“It is your life Bokuto, all aspects of it are important.”

“All you need to know is I owe him more than just a hug and a last minute apology, and because I can’t do that given my current state of living I would rather not look at him. I feel nothing but regret when I look at that face and forgive me if I would like to move on.”

Bokuto and Konoha-Grim sit in silence as the video plays back his second year of high school. He cries silent tears watching practice after practice with Akaashi. But what makes him finally smile is a memory he almost forgot.

_“Bokuto-san, are you alright?”_

_“Just forget about me, okay?”_

_“Impossible.”_

_“What?”_

_“You are impossible to forget Bokuto-san; to try and do so would take more time than I care to dedicate. Also, I would not want to.”_

_“You mean that?”_

_“Yes, now please remove yourself from the floor and get back on the court; we still have another ten minutes left before we need to close up.”_

“You’re being awfully silent.”

“Just let me enjoy this, all right?”

_“Kuroo!”_

_“Bo!”_

_“Kuroo!”_

_“Bo!”_

_“I’m here too…”_

_“Kenma!”_

_“Hello Bokuto.”_

_“Kuroo, Kenma, this is my setter!”_

_“Akaashi, nice to meet you.”_

_“Oya, so you’re the one who's putting up with owl head.”_

_“Kuroo!”_

Bokuto feels all the weight of being dead lifting from him as he watches the four of them interact at the summer training camp. Akaashi and Kenma discussing games, while Kuroo and Bokuto got up to mischief. What has him in awe is was watching the changes that happened to Akaashi in that time, something he had failed to see when he was young. At least until it was pointed out to him.

_He and Akaashi had taken the train to Akihabara to meet up with Kenma and Kuroo, but the latter two were running late so Bokuto was occupying himself by asking Akaashi a million questions._

_“How many feathers do you think an owl loses in a day?”_

_“Probably about the same amount as hair we lose in a day Bokuto-san.”_

_“Do you think it actually is possible to freeze your face in one expression?”_

_“I’m pretty sure that’s impossible, but do try to pick a nice one if you decide to experiment. Maybe not your cheering face, though.”_

_“Akaaashi!”_

_“Nyan!!” Kuroo called to them as he and Kenma approached._

_“Hoot hoot!!! Bokuto called back. He and Kuroo shared a complicated handshake before turning to see Kenma staring up at Akaashi._

_“You’re taller than me,” Kenma intoned. “When did that happen?”_

_“Kenma, Akaashi has always been taller than you!” Bokuto said with a laugh, going to throw his arm over Akaashi like he always did before realization kicked in. Instead of being able to wrap his arm completely around Akaashi’s neck to pull him into a hug, his arm crossed over his shoulders and Akaashi stared at him at eye level._

_“Personal space, Bokuto-san.”_

_“Akaashi! You are almost as tall as me!”_

_“Well spotted.”_

_“Your braces!”_

_“Yes, those are gone as well.”_

_“Akaashi! I have been a horrible senpai, you got taller and lost your braces and I didn’t notice!”_

_“You also didn’t notice that I have had to get rid of pretty much my entire wardrobe due to the fact that I grew eight centimeters in just two months.”_

_Bokuto laughed and ruffled Akaashi’s hair. “Hey, you’ve got really soft hair now.”_

_“I changed shampoo.”_

“Puberty came down on Akaashi and turned him into the most beautiful creature to ever grace the planet,” Bokuto said with a sigh. “He went from awkward to amazing.”

“You seem to have very strong feelings for him.”

Bokuto fixed Konoha-Grim with a raised eyebrow. “Let’s move on.”

_“The Captain for next year is...Bokuto.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Absolutely man! We wouldn’t want anyone else!”_

_“But my moods.”_

_“As if we haven’t won even when you aren’t at the top of your game. We keep each other together and you keep us united.”_

_“Ok, but only if Akaashi is my vice captain.”_

_“Bokuto-san!”_

_“Agreed!”_

_“What?”_

_“I wouldn’t be the Ace without you Akaashi, you’re my partner, now you get to be my vice captain.”_

_“Thank you, I will do my best to show I am worth the honor.”_

“You did more than that Akaashi, so much more than that,” Bokuto muses.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about him?”

“What would be the point? I’m dead, I can’t go back and fix things.”

“But wouldn’t it be good for you to face where you went wrong? Maybe gain some closure?”

Bokuto glares at Konoha-Grim and the latter falls silent before looking back to the screen. “So you made him vice captain. Your teammates were awfully quick to accept a second year in the position.”

“Akaashi was the only choice, everyone knew that. Before him no one was quite sure how to pull me out of my slumps. Plus he got the rest of the team to realize that relying on only me was no way to bring us a win.”

_“We say all the time it’s not a single person that brings victory to the team, we need to start emulating that statement. I want everyone to work on their individual skills to the point where if Bokuto falls into a slump we can bear the brunt of it until he gets it together. We need to be a strong team for our Ace and at times despite our Ace.”_

_“Jeez Akaashi, careful he doesn't hear you.”_

_“And what if he did?”_

“I did hear it though,” Bokuto mused, watching the screen with his chin resting on one hand. “He’d keep me in line most of the time. He had a slew of quips and one liners he’d use on me. Never anything that would hurt, just enough bite to make sure I didn’t get too ahead of myself.”

“He meant a great deal to you.”

“Akaashi was--is--fuck, will always be my best friend. I felt as thought high school didn't really begin for me until he showed up. Hell, he was there for my first confession!”

_It took less than a month for Bokuto and Akaashi to start spending every lunch period together. Sometimes they would eat in each others respective class; sometimes they’d find a quiet spot in a deserted hallway; weather permitting they would eat on the roof. This particular afternoon found them in the courtyard enjoying what might be one of the last nice days of September._

_“We could try it, but I think one of the reasons it works so well for Kuroo-san is that he has had years to practice this with Kozume-san,” Akaashi was saying as a second year approached them._

_“Damn! Why couldn't we have met when we were kids Akaashi? We would be unstoppable!”_

_“I doubt I will ever be capable of bringing out your full potential.”_

_“Aww Kaashi don’t be like…”_

_“Excuse me.”_

_“Oh hello.”_

_“Bokuto-san...may I speak to you?”_

_“Sure, what’s up?”_

_“Ummm…” The girl looked flustered and blushed._

_“I think she’s trying to confess to you,” Akaashi whispered._

_“Go on,” Bokuto said with a smile._

_“Bokuto-san you did very well in your last match and I just want to say that I think you’re really great and will you please consider my feelings?” The girl thrust an envelope towards him and Bokuto took it gently._

_“I’m sorry...ummm your name?”_

_“Hattori Akiko.”_

_“Well I’m sorry Akiko, but I can’t accept. You see I already have something I love and that’s volleyball. I wouldn't be able to dedicate any time to you and that wouldn't be fair. You're very pretty and I am sure there is someone out there who can give your feelings the attention they deserve.”_

“Wow,” Konoha-Grim sounded almost like he was in awe. “You handled that… rather well.”

“You sound way too surprised about that.”

“I've seen the way you handle everything else.”

“Ha ha ha. I handled it better than Akaashi did, I can tell you that. He made a girl cry the first time he got confessed to.”

_Bokuto was warming up in the gym when Yukie came in looking haggard. “Bokuto, where is Akaashi-kun?”_

_“Uhhhh, he’s not here?”_

_“I need to speak with him as soon as possible.”_

_“What happened?”_

_Yukie pursed her lips together and seemed to be mulling over whether she should say something._

_“Oi! Where the hell is the jerk who made my sister cry?”_

_It took both Konoha and Washio to calm the guy down and convince him that Akaashi wasn’t there. It took Bokuto staring him down to get him to agree to not come after him again. Turned out that the guys younger sister had confessed to Akaashi that afternoon...and the results had been less than stellar._

_“He made her cry?” Komi asked incredulously._

_“Apparently so,” Yukie noted in between bites of an onigiri. “I doubt it was intentional. Akaashi’s not like that.”_

_The rest of the team shared looks with one another which Yukie took notice of. “Guys you can’t actually think he would intentionally make someone cry. Sure he can be a bit...well him, but he’s not the sort to actually hurt someone.”_

_“Yukie is right,” Bokuto said with authority. “Akaashi is a good guy and I am sure this is all just a big misunderstanding. So obviously we don’t have our setter today so let's run some laps and then finish with serving drills. You can all head home after that.”_

_As he was getting changed he was approached by Washio and Saru. “You’re going to see him right?”_

_“Of course I am,” Bokuto huffed, throwing his bag over his shoulder. “What kind of senpai would I be if I didn’t?”_

_He was let in by Akaashi’s mother, who always seemed both happy and apprehensive about his presence. “Bokuto-kun, I knew I should be expecting you.”_

_“Hello Akaashi-san, is he here?”_

_“He’s upstairs. Do you know what happened?”_

_“I do, but I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.”_

_“That’s fine,” Akaashi’s mother said with a wave of her hands. “Just bring this up with you.”_

_She came out of the kitchen with a tea set on a tray, “I added a second cup in case you’d like some too.”_

_“Thank you Akaashi-san.”_

_He found Akaashi in his bedroom in the dark, under a pile of blankets. “I don’t need tea.”_

_“Well it would be a shame to put it to waste after your mom went through all the trouble to make it.”_

_There was a shuffling of blankets and Akaashi’s head popped out; his hair was rumpled and his eyes were bloodshot. “Bokuto-san?”_

_“Hey hey, did you really think you could skip practice and I wouldn't come looking for you?” he said, setting the tray down._

_“I… I had hoped you wouldn't.”_

_“What happened to you today? I had a very angry third year to deal with.”_

_“You what?”_

_“Apparently your confessor had a brother.”_

_“Oh...wonderful,” he said, burying his head under the blankets again. Bokuto shrugged off his bag and jacket and laid them on Akaashi’s desk chair before going to sit at the edge of the bed. “I assume you know what happened.”_

_“I know someone confessed to you,” Bokuto said. “I also know you somehow made her cry.”_

_“I didn’t mean to…”_

_“I know that.”_

_There was movement under the blankets and Akaashi was soon upright. “You do?”_

_“Of course I do,” Bokuto insisted. “You would never purposely hurt someone. But for the sake of my curiosity, what did you do to make her cry?”_

_“I asked her why she was confessing to me,” he said, looking away and twisting his fingers together._

_“What?”_

_“I asked her why she had an interest in me, and when she did not have a clear and concise answer I grew frustrated and accused her of playing a joke on me.”_

_“Why would you think her confession was a joke?”_

_Akaashi fixed Bokuto with a level gaze. “Look at me; this is not a face for confessions.”_

_Bokuto stared at him open mouthed and choked on his own words. “Are you kidding me?” You’re like the best looking guy in the school! Hell you’re better looking than some of the girls!”_

_Akaashi glared at him and squared his shoulders. “You’re mocking me.”_

_“I am not Akaashi, you have a beautiful face!” Bokuto grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him along. “Come with me!”_

_“Bokuto-san, what are you doing?”_

_“Proving a point!”_

_Bokuto pulled Akaashi into the bathroom and made him face the mirror. Bokuto stood behind him and kept his face to the left of Akaashi’s. “Okay now look, what do you see?”_

_“I see someone who is about to punch their senpai.”_

_“Akaaaashi!”_

_Bokuto placed his hands on Akaashi’s shoulders and took a deep breath. “You know what I see?”_

_“Your kouhai who is losing his patience.”_

_“I see green eyes that are so dark I sometimes think they might be black. But then the light hits ‘em just right and pow! They look like emeralds. I see black hair that is so thick and curly, Yukie has said she would kill to have it. Also according to my mom you have like the most gorgeous cheekbones she has ever seen in her life. I have no idea what that means but I assume its good.”_

_Akaashi blushed and lowered his eyes to the ground before his lips curled in a smile._

_“There it is.”_

_“There’s what?” Akaashi said with a gentle laugh._

_“My favorite thing about that face, your smile.”_

_Akaashi flushed a deep crimson before turning around and burying himself into Bokuto’s chest. They wrapped their arms around each other and Bokuto smiled. “You’re my best friend, Akaashi.”_

_“And you are mine, Bokuto-san.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented so far. 
> 
> I am so pleased that so many people are enjoying the concept I have come up with and I hope you enjoyed the beginnings of Bokuto and Akaashi's relationship


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning*  
> There will be moments in this chapter where Bokuto deals with the panic of being unable to physically feel anything due to the fact that he is dead. I don't know if this could be considered a form of dysphoria and wanted to forewarn just in case.
> 
> This chapter also features underage drinking

“Stop the video!” Bokuto yells suddenly. “I can't, no make it stop!”

There's silence and it's more unnerving than the thoughts in his head. He's taking deep breaths, but there's no sound. Because he has no air to breathe. Because he's dead…

He's _dead_ …

Bokuto screams and screams into the void, praying for an echo. Begging for the pain in his lungs. Wanting nothing more than to feel something physical again. He can't even feel the tears he knows are streaming down his face; it's all nothingness.

“I can't do this,” he sobs. “Please, please don't make me relive that year. That year… it was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I can't… I can't see it and see every missed opportunity. Don't do this to me _please!”_

Grim shifts and becomes a faceless entity again, and yet somehow he can see sympathy in their eyes. “Is it truly too painful to remember him? I see him in your memories. More and more. I cannot skip over them all.”

Bokuto stares down at the ground. “I know… just, I want to keep those memories as they are for me now. If I look back on them… they might change for me. Just this once please. I'll take whatever else you have to throw at me. But the time I shared with him that year... I don't want to see it any differently than I do now.”

“Where shall we start from?” Grim asks, still shifting between faces. Bokuto finds himself looking at the eyes the most. He can almost tell who each set belongs to. “You need to think of a moment after the events you no longer wish to see. I need you to focus on a memory; that will allow me to direct this correctly.”

Bokuto takes a deep breath and tries to pinpoint a moment after graduation, and suddenly he knows. He opens his eyes and knows exactly the face Grim will be wearing. He’s never been more sure of anything since his untimely passing and emergence within the void. “Oikawa.”

“Why do I have a sudden urge to add ‘chan’ to the end of your name?”

Bokuto laughs and pulls Oikawa-Grim in for a hug. “Because it's one of the many wonderful quirks in that man's personality. Honestly I don’t think I ever told Oikawa just how important he was to me. At least not as much as he needed to hear it.”

Oikawa-Grim’s expression softens and he tries to hold back a smile. “You speak ill of yourself and yet so highly of so many others. Why is this?”

Bokuto shrugs and just hugs them tighter. “It's just one of the many quirks of my personality.”

“Perhaps there should have been someone in your life telling you how great you were.”

Bokuto tenses up and lets go of Oikawa-Grim, “That was low.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes you do, I know you’ve been poking around in there. We might have skipped some events but you know what's happened in my life. Stop trying to make me face him. I’m not ready.”

Oikawa-Grim rolls his eyes and gestures back to their seats. “So, Oikawa was your college roommate?”

Bokuto grins triumphantly. He’s gotten Grim to at least admit he knows more than he lets on, and it feels good. “Yeah, we both got scholarships to Nittaidai, they always paired the team off in dorms first year in order to build up camaraderie. He ended up being my roommate. God we were ridiculous the first day. We barely spoke to one another. Or well he barely spoke to me, he was so damn stoic. He was nothing like his true self.”

_Bokuto woke up with a start after less than an hour of sleep. He panicked at first, having no idea where he was, before remembering he was in his college dorm. Bokuto felt his eyes well up, and before he could even think he was crying silent tears that trailed down his cheeks._

_The bathroom door opened before he could wipe his eyes, and Oikawa came walking out. They both tried and failed to avoid making eye contact with one another. Oikawa merely nodded before shuffling towards his side of the room._

_“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Oikawa said with a poorly concealed sniffle as he climbed into his bed._

_“Are you alright?”_

_“Perfectly fine,” Oikawa responded with a half hearted scoff._

_“I’m not.” Bokuto shivered, pulling his blanket up to his chin. “I’m fucking scared man. I’ve never been away from home like this, away from the people I know the best. And I don’t know…”_

_He was startled out of his rant by the sound of Oikawa biting back a sob. “Oh no, don’t cry I’m sorry!”_

_“I’m scared too!! I miss my mom, I miss my home and…,” he cried trying to catch his breath. “I miss my Iwa-chan!!”_

_Bokuto stared down at his hands before grabbing up his blanket and walking over to the other side of them room. Oikawa barely put up a fight as he climbed into bed next to him. They maneuvered themselves so that Oikawa’s blanket rested over their legs and Bokuto’s draped over them.They talked through the night, sharing their hopes and fears._

_“What do I do without him? How do I manage to stay grounded if he’s not there?” Bokuto asked._

_“I’ll keep you grounded,” Oikawa declared, putting an arm around him. “You and me, we’ll look out for each other. I lost my spiker, you lost your setter. We’ll have to be for each other what we’ve lost.”_

_“I’m not gonna give up, don’t you give up either.”_

_“I think we just became best friends Bo-chan.”_

_“Bo-chan?”_

_“Is that ok?”_

_“Yeah, I like it.”_

“What does he mean lost? What happened?” Oikawa-Grim asks. Bokuto sighs because despite the omnipotence of Grim he seems intent on having him explain everything.

“It's really complicated and I actually didn’t get answer to it until a month later. Plus, there was some other issues to deal with before he trusted me enough to tell me how he ‘lost’ Iwaizumi. I just remember how he would send a text every morning and every night, but never seemed to receive one back.”

“What kind of _issues_?”

“Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

_“Now way am I ever setting to you. I hope you are content being nothing more than a wing spiker in name because you will never ever spike a toss from me you understand!”_

_Bokuto stepped off the elevator to find Oikawa screaming in the face of Ushijima Wakatoshi and immediately stepped between them. “What the hell are you doing, Oikawa?”_

_“Telling this asshole how it's gonna be!”_

_“Dude, what did you do?”_

_“I simply told him I was looking forward to being on the team with him, and he didn’t take that well,” Ushijima intoned. His expression barely faltered but there was confusion in it._

_“You damn well know why I’m not happy!” Oikawa sneered and pressed towards Ushijima. Bokuto put his arms around him and pushed him back._

_“I feel like I missed something really important,” he said, bracing himself against the force that was a livid Oikawa, whose tears were doing nothing to slow the fury that had apparently been building in him for some time._

_“Three years, three freaking years I spent trying to beat this asshole and take my team to nationals. He barely gave me an hour after Karasuno beat us to tell me how coming to his damn school would have meant I got there. I didn't want to go to Shiratorizawa!”_

_“But you should have, it was the better choice,” Ushijima declared with finality. “You would have gone to Nationals if you had.”_

_“You don’t fucking know that!” Oikawa screeched, still pushing back against Bokuto who was straining to keep him from charging at Ushijima. “I wanted to go to Nationals with_ my _team! Mine! How dare you put it in my face that I didn’t succeed!”_

_“Dude, did you really say that to him?” Bokuto asked._

_“There was no other time to make my statement,” Ushijima explained. Though his words seemed to be losing their strength and he thought more and more about the situation. “I simply felt he needed to hear the truth, that his pride cost him the one thing he wanted.”_

_“Yeah well last I checked Karasuno kicked your ass, and my team kicked Karasuno’s ass multiple times so I guess that puts me above both of you. So I get to be the one to lay down the law here,” Bokuto declared, giving Oikawa one good shove. “You two need to find some sort of middle ground. Something that’s gonna make it so you can both be on the same team.”_

_“I am willing to come to an understanding,” Ushijima extended out his hand. “Perhaps we can reintroduce ourselves.”_

_Oikawa sniffed and wiped his hand with a fist. “I don’t know if I can do that.”_

_Bokuto sighed and shook his head. “Well then there’s only one way to fix this. We’re getting shitfaced.”_

_“None of us are legally allowed to buy alcohol,” Oikawa pointed out, though he seemed interested._

_“Yeah, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have a bottle of vodka in my closet.”_

_“How?” Ushijima asked brightly._

_Bokuto gave them a wide grin. “Coach Nekomata gives the best gifts.”_

_They’d gone to Ushijima’s room because Oikawa refused to let him into theirs. They shared a laugh over the fact that the only cups any of them had were all emblazoned with the logo of their former high schools. Bokuto raised a toast to being the best and to cementing their team in history._

_"Getting drunk is not guaranteed to solve our problems."_

_"Shut up and take the shot, Waka-chan."_

_"You shortened it,” Ushijima remarked with a hint of a smile._

_"Don't make a big deal out of it."_

_“Cheers!”_

_**2 hours later…** _

**__** _“So then the little guy just leaps into the damn air and catches the ball like it's nothing, and he looks at me and he says “I’m from the concrete”, I have never met someone so infuriating.”_

_“Shrimpy-chan is quite the little nuisance.”_

_“You dare speak ill of my son!” Bokuto exclaimed loudly, nearly spilling over his glass._

_“He’s not your son.”_

_“He may as well be! I taught him everything he knows!”_

_“So it's your fault neither of us went to Nationals, then.” Ushijima noted which prompted a giggle from Oikawa._

_Bokuto paused for a moment and pursed his lips together. “I guess so! Damn I am even more proud of him now!”_

_They were interrupted by the door opening and another familiar face walking in. “Speaking of Karasuno—holy shit is that Daichi?” Bokuto exclaimed, falling over backward in his excitement._

_“Hello Bokuto, Oikawa, what are you doing here?”_

_“We go here.”_

_“Its 2 in the afternoon, why are you drunk?”_

_“Team building exercise. Bokuto thought it would benefit Oikawa and myself to get drunk together so as to build a friendship. Because the foundation of our relationship is built on shaky and uneven ground. We need to rebuild that foundation… with vodka.”_

_“Well I’m on the team, shouldn’t I be joining?” Daichi asked, throwing his bag on the bed and sitting down on the floor with them. He reached over to find the vodka bottle less than a third of the way full. He sighed and laid down in order to pull something from under his bed. There was the sound of glass knocking into glass before he finally pulled out a bottle of whisky._

_“Woah, Daichi you badass! I didn’t know you had it in you,” Bokuto said with a low whistle._

_“It has a card on it, give me that!” Oikawa snatched the card and shimmied away to read it out loud. “To Daichi: For making sure my brother was never without a helping hand, Tanaka Saeko. Thats… that's so beautiful. Whose Saeko?”_

_“Tanaka, the bald and rowdy one on my team. His sister. She’s pretty damn protective of him.”_

_“Oh yeah! I remember now. She showed up and played taiko at Nationals when you guys played against Inarizaki,” Bokuto said, rocking back and forth. “Didn’t she bring Hinata and Sour-face to the summer training camp too?”_

_“Yup, that was her.”_

_“Summer training camp?” Ushijima asked, slightly slurring his words._

_“Oh yeah, the Fukurodani group hosts a training camp every summer and last year Karasuno joined us under special invitation. Man, you guys kept getting your asses handed to you! But I saw those moves you ended up picking up from everyone. You kicked ass!”_

_“Holy shit it really_ is _your fault that neither Waka-chan or I went to Nationals. You… you trained the crows to defeat us!”_

_Bokuto squawked and shuffled backwards. “It's not like I single handedly trained their entire team! I was just one guy there!”_

_“Guys, I just realized something,” Ushijima interjected frantically. “Dogs.”_

_“What about them?”_

_“I fucking love dogs! Daichi can we get a dog?”_

_“I really need to catch up to you guys if I want to have any hope of surviving this.”_

“So you guys just got drunk and were all of the sudden friends?” Oikawa-grim asks. “How does that even work?”

“Well you see, Oikawa and I had already bonded so we were good. Ushi and Daichi were happy to have a normal roommate and became friends day one. The trick was getting Oikawa and Ushi to get along and we succeeded admirably. In fact, I can barely remember it but I’m pretty sure we went to karaoke that night. Ushi can fucking sing, man. Though I feel like there was something else that night that I can’t remember. Oh right the drunken voicemail!”

_Bokuto found it hard to fall asleep that night if only because the room insisted on spinning even though he was lying flat. He heard Oikawa climb out of bed and shuffle off to the bathroom with his phone in hand. Thinking the other was asleep Oikawa didn't bother to shut the door all the way. Bokuto could hear him crying but had neither the strength nor the presence of mind to get up and go to him._

_“Iwa-chan… Hey, so I know you don’t read my texts… but I miss you so much. I can’t believe I never said goodbye to you. How did we not say goodbye? What made us think that we’d never have to say that to each other? I… just wanted you to know that I think of you every day. I regret so many things Iwa-chan, so many many things. But never being friends with you. I just wish I had said goodbye. I’m sorry, I miss you.”_

“So that’s what he meant by lost,” Oikawa-grim intones gravely.

“Yeah, that's what I thought too,” Bokuto remarks. “But the truth was much more complicated. It was pure chance I even got the answer to the question of what happened to Iwa-chan. If I hadn’t left my backpack in the dorm, who knows what would have happened.”

_Bokuto sprinted down the hall towards his dorm room, trying to determine if he could speed his trip to class along by vaulting through the stairwell like he’d seen those parkour guys doing on YouTube. He was in the middle of trying to remember the rules for a proper landing when he was thrown by the sight in front of him:_

_Oikawa in the arms of another man who was definitely kissing him._

_“Holy shit!”_

_“Oh my god!” Oikawa shrieked, shoving the other man away. “Bokuto, what are you doing here?”_

_“I forgot my bag!”_

_“Bokuto, you… you didn’t see anything.”_

_“Oh for fuck’s sake, I knew I shouldn’t have fucking come here!” the other man declared angrily._

_“Iwa-chan wait, please!”_

_“This is Iwa-chan!?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap this took awhile to write. 
> 
> I am so sorry for the delay. The problem with writing an AU that still occurs within canon is that sometimes you reach a point where canon is happening and you don't want to say something happened that didn't. That was what kept me back from writing this chapter, a desire to remain true to the source. I decided to circumvent that by bypassing canon entirely, hey look Bokuto is in college yay!!
> 
> Thank you all for the lovely words and kudos.


	6. Chapter 6

The video screen displays Bokuto, Oikawa and the mystery man whom Bokuto had found lip-locked with Oikawa. The mystery man turned out to be Iwaizumi Hajime. The spiker Oikawa had ‘lost’, though it was apparent to Bokuto in that moment that he had been led very much astray on what ‘lost’ had meant, because Iwaizumi was very much alive and very very angry. It seemed the only thing stopping him from leaving was that Bokuto was still standing in front of the door. 

_“I'm not doing this again, Tooru!”_

_“Hajime please! Just let me think!”_

_“No! That's all you do. And it always ends with you telling me why this won't work or why we have to lie to ourselves. I'm done lying. I love you damn it and you…” He paused for a moment and hesitated before shaking his head and continuing. “You don't love me enough to keep me.”_

_“That's not true! I just… I need… I need to make sure he's not going to tell anyone!”_

_Bokuto cleared his throat and the two men turned to look at him. He had thought to maybe make a quick exit, to allow them to have this argument in private, but he was now a part of it, whether he wanted to be or not. “I'm not going to tell anyone you're gay. So really there's no need to worry about that.”_

_“I am bisexual thank you very much,” Oikawa scoffed and Iwaizumi glared at him with gritted teeth._

_“There you fucking go again using your sexuality as a god damn back up plan!”_

_“What's that supposed to mean?”_

_“It means that you have it in you to just settle down with a woman, get married, have kids and live the life they all expect you to. You use it like an escape route, a way to make sure you can meet this so-called standard you’re trying to live up to.”_

_“Iwa-chan…”_

_“You know we've been together since our first year of high school?” Iwaizumi said as he turned his gaze over to Bokuto. “I ignored the ‘fanclub’ and how he always humored them, trying to cultivate this image he thought he was supposed to have. But at the end of the day he was with me,” Iwaizumi’s eyes belied the anger he was spouting forth, the sadness in them nearly overpowering the harshness in his tone. “When we graduated I thought maybe… maybe since we were in college we could be a little more open. Maybe even tell our parents. My mother, she knows… she knows I'm gay.”_

_“You told her?” Oikawa asked in shock._

_“What else was I supposed to do? She found me in my room after you decided that your fucking career was being put at too much risk if our relationship continued. I didn't tell her who I had been with. Only that they didn't love me enough to try and make it work.”_

_“I… I'm sorry.”_

_“Do you know how sick I am of hearing that? God, I told myself I wasn't going to come here. I told myself that eventually you'd stop texting me. I was moving on damn it, and then you gotta go and leave that voice mail. I didn't know what to think Oikawa. I thought you were going to kill yourself.”_

_“I wouldn't… I’d never.”_

_“I know, you're too damn egotistical to off yourself.”_

_“Hey now!” Bokuto interjected then. He'd intended to back out slowly as it seemed their attention was off of him. But he couldn't now, not when it would mean leaving Oikawa alone after what he assumed would be the end between him and his… person. “Do you have any idea how much you mean to him? The way he cried over you, I thought you were dead. I thought he was sending messages to someone who couldn't answer back. Not someone who refused to.”_

_“You don't know the story!”_

_“I don't have to. All I have to do is look at him and I know how much he loves you! Don't you see he doesn't know how to make it work and you forcing him to face things he's not ready to face is destroying him!”_

_“I don't want to be some secret he keeps!”_

_“You won't be cause I know now! And we can tell Ushijima and Daichi! Hell, Kuroo would be so happy to have another bisexual around!” Bokuto gestured wildly. “It won't be a shameful secret. It will be a special one that only the best people get to know. Isn’t that better? Isn’t it better to be able to tell the closest people to you? It’s like… you can’t just run onto the court and spike the ball, you gotta do some warm ups first or you’re gonna hurt yourself and your team.”_

_“Bo-chan…” Oikawa murmured, his expression was solemn, he’d already accepted the end and Bokuto was delaying it._

_“No, no, you two need to be together. I can see it. You love each other. Don't turn your back on that.”_

_Oikawa and Iwaizumi stared at one another before the latter finally opened his arms. Oikawa let out a soft cry before stumbling forward to fall into Iwaizumi’s arms, crying frantically. “I'm sorry, please I'm so sorry, I love you, I can't be without you, I need you, please please I love you.”_

_Bokuto slowly backed out of the room but not before seeing Iwaizumi tilt Oikawa’s face towards his own. “I know Tooru, I know,” he sobbed. “I love you too, fuck, I always will.”_

“That was…,” Oikawa-Grim is speechless and Bokuto smiles fondly.

“They’re still together,” Bokuto announces proudly. “They make it work. They started slow, told Ushijima and Daichi. Kuroo laughed and said Yaku owed him a thousand yen. The best was when Oikawa had a reunion party with his former teammates and the two other guys in the same year as them both said ‘finally’. I have never seen Oikawa so speechless before.”

Oikawa-Grim’s attention is drawn back to the screen. “It's still showing… where are you going?”

Bokuto looks up at the screen, wide-eyed with fear. “Fuck! Ummm, we can skip this?”

“I don’t think so. I already let you skip an entire year; I am not skipping anything else. What is going on?”

“So, that last year of high school I made us skip, well it _was_ perfect—up until I royally fucked up.”

“What did you do?”

_Bokuto walked through the gates of Fukurodani Academy and sighed wistfully. He wasn’t expecting things to look different, but the scenery should maybe seem altered. But nothing had changed except for him, walking the pathways for the first time in something other than a uniform. A second—no, third year—happened to glance his way and their eyes lit up; he nodded and continued on._

_The gym was silent as he approached, but the doors remained open. How long had it been since he’d stood in that place? Would_ he _be there? Did he still stay late even without Bokuto there to push for extra practice?_

_The unmistakable thwack of a volleyball slamming into the wall rang out loud, and Bokuto sped up his pace. He peeked through the open door and smiled at the sight. Akaashi stood next to the ball cart, a volleyball in hand as he stared down at the floor deep in thought._

_“Akaashi!” Bokuto yelled out and flashed a huge grin. That grin soon faltered when Akaashi shot him a glare and poised himself to do a serve. He sent the ball flying and Bokuto flinched as it sailed just past his head and slammed into the wall behind him._

_“Go to hell Bokuto-san,” he sneered, picking up another ball and tossing it between his hands. “I have nothing to say to you.”_

_“Akaashi don't be like that!”_

_“Like what exactly,” he said, preparing to serve another ball. Bokuto worried this one might be aimed a little closer and shifted in a different direction. Akaashi had excellent control but even he couldn't hit a moving target with a serve._

_“Ok I messed up and I'm sorry. Can we just talk?”_

_“Talking should have happened months ago.”_

_“I know damn it, I couldn't… I didn't… the team didn't need me anymore.”_

_"No,_ I _needed you. Did you stop to think for even one minute that someone other than yourself was upset about what happened? It was our last match together and all I remember is you walking away from the court and not seeing you again until I happened to catch a glance of you in the halls."_

_“But I....”_

_“You are not the team, Bokuto-san!” Akaashi screamed, kicking the ball cart. “I stood by you! I defended you! I stayed late, broke myself, remade myself—I believed in you! How dare you leave me when I needed you the most! How dare you walk away when it was my toss, mine! I fucked it up! How dare you walk away without telling me it's not my fault! How dare you turn your back on the team that stood by you for years! That built itself around you!”_

_“Akaashi...” Bokuto walked towards him, but Akaashi flinched and put his hands up._

_“No!” he shouted, punching the pole and collapsing the net in front of him. “Don’t you dare! I want you to leave, Bokuto-san. I want you to leave and I never want to see you again. Do you understand?”_

_“Don’t do this. You’re my best friend.”_

_“Maybe so, but you stopped being mine. Now you’re just some asshole I stupidly put my trust in.”_

“You!” Oikawa-Grim points an accusatory finger at Bokuto. “You lied!”

“No, I simply neglected to mention some things.”

“You just didn’t want to face what you had done. This is why you’re so upset? This is why I can’t wear that face?”

“You haven’t even scraped the surface of why I can’t see that face! You know what I did! I know you know!” he screams.

“That is not the point of all of this! The point is for you to face the life you have lived!”

“Why?”

“Because you cannot cross over until you have!”

Bokuto is struck silent before he shakes his head and stares back defiantly. “So what, I have to face what I did? Face the fact that I was a selfish asshole who ruined his best friends life and probably the lives of who knows how many other people?! Do you think it’s gonna help me in the afterlife to remember myself as anything but what I was?”

“And what were you?”

“A selfish, egotistical brat who never appreciated anyone in my life!”

“Where in the world did you get that idea?”

“Haven’t you been watching? Haven’t you seen what I did? What other conclusion could be drawn from this?”

“You were eighteen years old!”

“I knew what I was doing!”

“Pathetic!” Grim shifts and he grows taller, Oikawa’s brown hair lightens to blonde, and his eyes are now obscured by a pair of black square frame glasses. “Absolutely pathetic.”

“Fuck you,” Bokuto gripes. “How did you find that face?”

“I thought it would help you to see the face of someone who considered you anything but what you are saying.” It's strange to hear any sort of sympathy in Tsukishima’s voice. It was never a tone Bokuto had heard from him.

“Tsukki thought I was what, then?”

“Tsukki thought of you during the match against Shiratorizawa. He had his moment. And you… you were the thought he had. He almost hated you for it. Hated that you were right. But even still, in his heart he thanked you. He wanted to thank you for noticing him. For not giving up on him. You and Kuroo, you truly have no idea of the impact you had on him.”

“I see him every time we have training and he has never said a word to me about this,” Bokuto scoffs in disbelief. “I barely get two words from they guy, usually criticisms, or even a goodbye if he’s in the mood to be nice at the end of the night.”

“It's not in his personality to be that way. But he cared, and he’s not going to take your death well.”

“Don’t tell me that. Don’t tell me things that I can’t fix.”

“I’m sorry,” Tsukki-Grim shifts back into Oikawa and Bokuto looks away. “But you need to know that you were not as terrible as you make yourself out to be. It's the only way we can get through all of this.”

They’re inches apart from each other and Bokuto unclenches his hands, missing again that familiar sting of his nails digging into his palms. He realizes now how much he misses just feeling something. “I still don’t know how to forgive myself.”

“That will come in time. What happened to Akaashi?”

“During that time, I don’t know. I respected his wishes and stayed away. Komi would always invite me to come with him to watch the games. But I couldn’t do it. I knew it would make things worse. So I buried myself into my life. I went to class, I trained, Oikawa and I started to find our own rhythm on the court. I did everything I could to forget him. Because that’s all I could do.”

“Something happened, though.”

Bokuto sniffs and lets an unfelt tear fall down his cheek. “Yeah.”

“Can you watch?”

He looks up at the screen solemnly. “I will, he deserves that. I won’t let him down by pretending it didn’t happen. Maybe, maybe somewhere out there he knows. He knows I didn’t forget.”

_Bokuto sat at his desk, staring at the book in front of him and trying his best to sear the words into his mind. He sighed as he realized he had read the same sentence three times and still had no idea what it was about. A knock at the door brought him an immense measure of relief, as well as some confusion as he glanced at the clock and realized it was after midnight._

_“Oikawa did you forget your keys again… Kaashi?”_

_Akaashi stood on the other side of the doorway, looking as though he’d run there. His hair was disheveled; his eyes were red with heavy dark circles underneath. In all the time that Bokuto had known him, he had never seen Akaashi in a state that looked that… broken. “Bokuto-san, may I come in?”_

_Bokuto pulled him into a hug that the other protested for only a moment before sinking into the embrace and breaking into a fit of sobs. “Hey hey hey, shhhh, I’ve got you.”_

_“I’m sorry, I didn’t know where else to go and…” Akaashi blubbered uncontrollably, gripping into the front of Bokuto’s shirt._

_“Shush, you don’t need to explain anything to me. Come on, don’t worry, I’ve got you.”_

_They ended up laying on Bokuto’s bed facing one another as Akaashi alternated between sobbing and saying more words at once than Bokuto could remember ever hearing from the boy’s mouth in one sitting. His parents—or to put it bluntly his father since his mother was often too quiet to say otherwise—were pressuring him to apply to medical schools for college._

_“He wants me to be something I’m not,” Akaashi said with a sniffle. “He keeps asking me when I’m going to decide where to apply and what medical field I want to pursue. He made me quit the team. We lost in the Inter-high, I’m so sorry Bokuto-san, I let you down!”_

_“No, don’t you dare say that ok?”_

_“I just… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anymore.”_

_Bokuto pulled him close again and rocked their bodies gently. “What do you want to pursue? Do you want to be a doctor?”_

_“I don’t know, I just know that I don’t want that. I like creating things, I loved playing the violin but my father said it wasn’t masculine enough. He said the same about painting and when I was writing poetry.”_

_“I loved your volleyball haikus.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_They snuggled in silence for some time. Akaashi kept his face pressed against Bokuto’s chest, his breath pressing through the thin fabric of his t-shirt warming him to the core._

_“Bokuto-san...I need to tell you something,” he said lifting his head up. “I need you to know that you are the only person I feel comfortable saying this to, so please remember that before you react.”_

_Bokuto nodded and watched as Akaashi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His body shook as he exhaled and he opened his eyes slowly. “I’m gay.”_

_They stared at one another in silence before Akaashi looked away, his cheeks reddening, Bokuto realized he should say something. “Hey, wait no, don’t feel ashamed. I’m not upset.”_

_“I am not ashamed of being...this,” Akaashi replied angrily pushing Bokuto away. He sat up on his knees and began to twist his fingers together nervously._

_“I know, ok, I know,” he replied sitting up to face Akaashi properly. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said it that way. My roommate is...well he’s not straight either and he’s sort of getting used to the idea of being out about it so I guess that was just what I am used to saying in this situation.”_

_“And you?”_

_“Undeclared,” Bokuto said with a shrug, Akaashi let out a weak laugh. “I think women are really pretty and I don’t think I would mind kissing them. Men are pretty too, though I never thought of kissing one until recently.”_

_“You always know what to say to me, Bokuto-san.”_

_“You’re still my best friend Akaashi, if I don’t know what to say to make you feel better then I’m not a very good friend am I?” he said, taking Akaashi’s hands into his own. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you before, I’ll never not be there for you again.”_

_“You’re my best friend too. I’m so sorry that I let my anger keep me from… from you.”_

_Bokuto pressed his forehead against Akaashi’s and smiled. “I’m always here to listen to your secrets.”_

_Akaashi’s deep green eyes stared back at him and Bokuto was suddenly very aware of how close they were. He could feel Akaashi’s even breath against his lips and before he could talk himself out of it he pressed forward. Their lips met and Akaashi’s eyes widened in shock for a moment… before he kissed him back._

_It was clumsy, neither of them knowing quite how to slot their lips together. But Bokuto was nothing if not a fast learner. He tilted his head slightly to the side and was pleased to find Akaashi responding perfectly. He loosened one of his hands from Akaashi’s grasp and brought it up to stroke his cheek. Akaashi let out a contented hum and smiled against his lips._

_“Akaashi,” he whispered._

_“Bokuto.”_

_They kissed again and again until exhaustion finally took over. Sleep came easily and Bokuto sighed contentedly as he wrapped his arm around Akaashi and pulled him close. He put his hand over Akaashi’s heart and kissed the side of his neck as they both drifted off to sleep._

“We decided not to talk about it until he’d figured out what he was going to do,” Bokuto states, watching the scene in front of him forlornly.

“A smart choice.”

“Yeah…”

_“Bokuto, just promise me one thing.”_

_“What’s that, Akaashi?”_

_“Remember when you used to get confessions in high school and you’d wait until they were finished to let them down gently?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Don’t do me that favor. If you decide that we should forget that kiss and just stay friends...well then stop me from telling you how I feel first. Don’t let me give you my heart if you’re only going to hand it back. Please, please promise me that.”_

_“I promise.”_

“Fucking idiot!” Bokuto chastises himself angrily. “You fucking moron!” he screams at the screen. “He already bared it for you and you did nothing! Nothing!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've let this sit in my google drive for weeks swearing up and down I wouldn't publish until chapter 7 was done.
> 
> Needless to say I lied.
> 
> I've been on a kick where I seem to be writing everything but chapter 7 so I decided that publishing 6 was more likely to push me in that direction than anything else.
> 
> Thank you as always for putting up with my out of whack updating schedule. I hope the kisses made up for the wait.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Recommended listening Remember - De/vision](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edJbZOxLiJY)
> 
>  
> 
>  

_“I need you to listen to me, Otosan.” Akaashi’s voice wavered as he tried to maintain a firm stance. His hands were behind his back and his fingers picked and pulled at themselves._

_“So you can tell me what? That you lied to me? That you went behind my back and applied to schools that I did not approve of?”_

_“I had to try.”_

_“What is this place? Some sort of commune?”_

_“It’s an art college.”_

_“Art? Why do you need art? You’re going to become a doctor.”_

_“That's not what I want for myself and you know it.”_

_“What you want doesn’t matter. I paid for you to go to Fukurodani so you would have a good education, so you would test well and get into a good university. I let you play volleyball even though I thought it would distract you. I let you spend time with that crazy-haired boy.”_

_“His name is Bokuto and he’s my best friend!”_

_“He was a bad influence. Making you captain and leaving you to rebuild the entire team. You should have quit and focused on school.”_

_“I am graduating with honors, I am in the top five of my class!”_

_“You are not number one and you could have been if you had just focused. Now instead you want to go to some art school in the states. I let you go to this school you’ll come back with long hair, tattoos and a desire to do unnatural things with men.”_

_“Keiji,” Akaashi’s mother’s voice was soft but it held a warning._

The memory was fuzzy and stilted, almost like the channel was out of tune and static kept cutting through.

“Why is it like this?” Oikawa-Grim asks. “Why is this memory so disjointed?”

“Because I wasn’t there.”

“Then how is it here? You shouldn't be able to see memories for events you weren't present for.”

“Akaashi’s mom was very close to Konoha’s mom, who was in a book club with my mom, who was good friends with Komi’s mom and so on and so forth. I have heard the story so many times I swear I was there. That and I’ve always felt guilty that I wasn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because he deserved to have someone with him. Because he shouldn't have had to face what he was about to face alone.”

_“I don’t need art school to be gay Otosan, I already am.”_

Theres the sound of flesh hitting flesh and a woman screaming angrily. Then the screen goes fuzzy once again.

“His mom stepped in, threatened to divorce him if he ever laid a hand on Akaashi again,” Bokuto says staring at the blank screen. “I should have been there.”

“You feel as though he would have been spared the slap?”

“I never would have let his father come within a foot of him if I had been there.”

“There you go again, blaming yourself for things out of your control.” Bokuto glares at Oikawa-Grim earning a raised look. “You do, though.”

“So what, it's not like I can change myself. Plus even if I did, I’m _dead_ remember?” he says pointedly, gesturing to the empty void surrounding them. Oikawa-Grim gives him a withering look and snaps the scene back to life.

“You’re back at Fukurodani; what for this time?”

“Akaashi’s graduation.”

“This is it, isn’t it? This is where it all happens.”

_“Koutarou-kun, why am I not surprised to see you here,” a happy voice called out to him. Bokuto turned to see his Maths teacher Miss Sugaku._

_“Good afternoon sensei”, he said smiling. “I came to see Akaashi graduate.”_

_“Of course you did. I’m surprised I didn’t see you around more often this year. You two always were inseparable. Its no surprise he’s following you to Nittaidai.”_

_Bokuto paused and let the words sink in. “He got into Nittaidai?”_

_“Oh no, was it supposed to be a surprise? I am so sorry. Pretend I didn’t say anything please. I’m sure he wanted to tell you himself. I’m just surprised you didn’t already know… You always did make him do whatever it is you wanted him to…. He always was such a good influence on you… you used him to better yourself… so proud to see what you’ve both grown into... I don’t think he got to spend one minute of his high school career doing anything for himself… you must be excited to get to be with him again… all he will ever do now is what someone else wants of him.”_

“That doesn’t sound right,” Oikawa-Grim notes as video comes out disjointed and mechanical. “Your memories are flawed. What did she actually say to you?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Bokuto replies, his eyes never leaving the screen,

_“Akaashi-san,” Bokuto said politely after running up to Akaashi’s mother. “It is good to see you today.”_

_“Bokuto-kun, it is good to see you as well.”_

_“You must be very happy to see him graduate.”_

_“Very much so.”_

_“Is… is he doing better?”_

_Akaashi Nariko shared the same features as her son, dark eyes, even darker hair, and a face that could turn heads. Those eyes regarded Bokuto with sadness now and she gently took one of his hands into her own._

_“He wants to find himself, but I don’t think he knows where that will be. My sister, she lives in San Francisco... she promised to take care of Keiji if he goes there.”_

_“That’s good though right?”_

_“He is my only son,” Nariko stated her eyes welling with tears. “You could get him to stay. I know you could. He would do anything you asked of him. Please, please don’t let him leave. His father, his father will pay for college so long as he attends Nittaidai and pursues medicine. That was the compromise. He will overlook his transgressions so long as Keiji remembers his place.”_

_“But Keiji doesn’t want to…”_

_“Do not tell me what my son wants! He could have done so many other things in high school and yet he chose to follow you. He might have found himself then if not for you.”_

_“I… I didn’t mean to,” Bokuto stammered._

_“Make him stay, please,” Nariko dropped his hand and walked away quickly, dabbing her eyes with a tissue as he went._

“I take it you did exactly the opposite of what she asked. And judging from that garbled mess of a memory earlier you did it for stupid and noble reasons.”

“Fuck you.”

_“I’m really looking forward to this. A chance to find myself, to really get to know me, apart from what I was told I was supposed to be.”_

_“I’m excited for you, Akaashi. You’re going to do great, I know it. You’ll come back with so many amazing stories and you’re gonna be the best at whatever you decide to do. I should know, I taught you everything.”_

_“Bokuto… about the ummm...”_

_“Akaashi… don't,” he said before shaking his head. He blinked back the tears, knowing they would give him away. He knew he had to do this. He had to give Akaashi the chance to do something for himself without worrying about what anyone else wanted._

_Akaashi sighed and took a deep breath. Bokuto fidgeted nervously, waiting for the fallout. Instead Akaashi opened his eyes and smiled. “Thank you.”_

_“Still best friends right? Please tell me that. Even… though you’re leaving.”_

_Akaashi took his hands and squeezed them tight. “Of course, you’ll always be my best friend.”_

“Why’d you do it?” Oikawa-Grim asks, a hint of tears in his eyes.

“Akaashi deserved a chance to do something for himself for once,” Bokuto says, staring at the frozen face on the screen. Akaashi is smiling but there’s sadness in his eyes. “If I had let him confess to me, if I had confessed back… I would have begged him to stay. And I think he might have. I could be wrong, but in the end I made the choice for him. I couldn’t be selfish, not when it came to him, not anymore.”

“So he left.”

“Yup, and then someone else followed.”

“No…”

_After their first semester Oikawa used some sort of witchcraft and flattery to get himself, Bokuto, Daichi, and Ushijima moved into upperclassmen dorms. The two-bedroom space allowed for a little more privacy, and also ensured Bokuto didn’t walk in on Oikawa and Iwaizumi, or Ushijima and the former Karasuno girls’ volleyball captain, or whomever Daichi was currently lip locked with. Really everyone but Bokuto was getting something and he was tired of walking in on it. The new place cut down on the sudden onslaught of bodies linked in different ways on his eyes._

_He sat playing video games in his living room when he heard the sound of the key in the lock. The door opened slightly and was promptly pulled almost shut before being slammed open by Kuroo’s foot as he charged in._

_“I am going to kill Akaashi!” he exclaimed, charging into the room before turning around and shutting the door quietly. “Book me on the next flight to California so I can kick his ass!”_

_Bokuto stared at him wide-eyed with a slight tilt to his head. “Why?” he asked, drawing out the last syllable._

_“Because Kenma fucking left, and it's all Akaashi’s fault!”_

_“What?” Bokuto said, dropping the controller and ignoring the game over music._

_“Kenma! He fucking left, he’s going to that school with Akaashi and he fucking left!”_

_“What?”_

_Kuroo sighed and threw himself on the couch and buried his face in Bokuto’s lap. “Kenma...left...all...Akaashi’s...fault,” he mumbled while Bokuto hesitantly stroked his fingers through his hair. “He didn’t tell me until it was too late to stop him.”_

_Bokuto hummed in what he hoped was understanding, since he was still very confused as to what happened. Kuroo finally sat up and leaned on Bokuto’s shoulder before letting out another sigh that almost sounded like a whimper. “I miss him already.”_

_“When did he leave?”_

_Kuroo looked down at his watch, “His flight should be taking off right now.”_

_“Why aren’t you at the airport?”_

_“Because he said he didn’t want to see my crying face. That the reason he didn’t tell me all summer that he was leaving was because he didn’t want to see me cry. That if I knew he was leaving it would have ruined what was probably the best summer we ever had.”_

_Bokuto threw an arm over Kuroo and pulled him into a tight hug. “Did he say why he made this decision? Because I still don’t understand how this is Akaashi’s fault.”_

_“He said that hearing Akaashi talk about how this would be his chance to find himself outside of the expectations put forward for him. That it would be hard, it would be strange, but it would be like an adventure. I guess that struck a chord with Kenma. He said he wants to see if he can do it. He wants to challenge himself in a way he can’t here,” Kuroo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You know what the worst part is?”_

_“What?”_

_“I am so fucking proud of him for doing this and I am so pissed that he thought I would try to stop him.”_

_“Would you have?”_

_“Maybe, probably, I don’t know. Kenma said he didn't want to spend this summer with both of us knowing he would be leaving. I just thought we were spending so much time together to make up for the last year. He dropped the bomb on me two days ago and then refused to let me come to the airport with him.”_

_They sat in silence before Kuroo broke it with a soft murmur. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He’s always been there.”_

_“Welcome to the ‘I’m in love with my best friend’ club. I’m ordering the jackets tomorrow, are you a large or an extra large?” Oikawa piped up from the doorway._

_“Shut up Trash-Kawa,” Bokuto said with a grumble._

_“Only Iwa-chan gets to call me that.”_

_“I’ll make an exception this time,” Iwaizumi’s voice called out from Oikawa and Bokuto’s bedroom._

_“Iwa-chan!”_

_“Dude...what the fuck?” Kuroo said after a moment of awkward silence._

“Kenma left?” Oikawa-Grim was in actual shock.

“You should have already known this!”

“But it’s Kenma!”

“You know the one thing Kenma always hated was people assuming they knew him. He hated that people looked at him and saw a quiet little pipsqueak who would sooner hide in his own shadow than interact with people. Kenma was smarter than all of us, he just chose to apply that intelligence where he deemed it important.”

“Kuroo didn’t seem to take it well,” Oikawa-Grim notes. “He’s in just as much denial as you are.”

“I’m not in denial. I accepted my feelings a long time ago.”

“Evidence suggests otherwise.”

“Wait…”

_It was a few weeks later when Bokuto was once again in the living room, this time watching a nature documentary, when Kuroo busted open his door… again._

_“What the fuck do you mean you’re in love with Akaashi?!”_

_“I never said I was in love with Akaashi,” Bokuto countered._

_“No, I said he’s in love with Akaashi. He’s still in denial,” Oikawa piped from the kitchen._

_“I can care greatly about someone and not be in love with them,” Bokuto called back, pissed that this conversation was happening… again._

_“Bullshit!”_

_“Fuck off, Oikawa!”_

_“What the fuck is going on, Bo?” Kuroo demanded, his arms folded across his chest._

_“Bo-chan is in denial. He's so deep in denial he's going to be named pharaoh,” Oikawa chirped from the kitchen. When he was met with dead silence he let out a scoff. “You two suck at this!”_

_“Bo… talk to me.”_

_“Akaashi and I kissed right before his graduation. He came here upset and in need of a friend. We were cuddled on my bed and he came out to me and I kissed him.”_

_“He finally admits it!”_

_“Shut the fuck up Oikawa!” Kuroo yelled and was met with a tiny squeak of defeat from the kitchen before Oikawa came out looking forlorn. “I'm sorry for yelling but he's never gonna get the story out with the constant interruptions. Now come sit on the other side of Bo and let's let him spill.”_

_Oikawa nodded and flopped down next to Bokuto and laid his head on his shoulder. “Just for the record, I knew something happened.”_

_“Your knowledge has been added to the public record, now everyone knows that you knew something happened.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_Bokuto hesitated before sharing everything. The kiss, the promise to spare Akaashi’s feelings if he couldn't return them, the offer from Nittaidai and Akaashi’s mother telling him he was the only one who could make him stay. How he realized that he had held Akaashi back for years. A fact that Kuroo tried to refute repeatedly._

_“That's such a load of shit man,” he interrupted. “Akaashi was never a pushover. He never did anything he didn't want to.”_

_“He spent two thirds of his high school career being my fucking babysitter Kuroo!”_

_“He wasn't your babysitter, he was your best friend and you know it!”_

_“The only thing I know is that… that I fucking love him! I love him ok? Happy now? I fucking admitted it! What difference does it make? Is Akaashi here? Is he coming back? Will I ever see his face and have it not be on a computer screen? Admitting I love him does nothing but make me regret that I let him go!”_

“So you are capable of admitting it?” Oikawa-Grim sounds surprised and Bokuto wants to punch him.

“It was the only time I ever said it out loud. I refused to talk about it ever again.”

“Did he ever speak to you again?”

“Akaashi? Of course. We’re best friends. He and I never lost touch. Even after he… changed,” Bokuto sighs wistfully.

“What changed?”

“Everything.”

Akaashi didn’t just flourish in the states, he bloomed like a desert flower that brings forth color to an otherwise desolate landscape. It started with a single post about his first piercing, just his ear. A simple stud, and yet Bokuto found himself staring at the picture as though it was a fine work of art. However it seemed as though Akaashi developed a taste for the activity and soon an eyebrow, lip and helix piercing appeared. Next came the tattoos. An abstract design just above his heart soon spread to cover his entire pectoral. An owl with outstretched wings spanned his shoulders. A black and white forest scene with yellow eyes staring out from the shadows soon covered his left forearm. What finally did Bokuto in was the picture of Akaashi with barbells piercing his hip bones. The only thing that never changed was his hair, Bokuto always loved that.

Unfortunately along with Akaashi’s new look came Akaashi’s new friends. Namely one in particular whose name still left a foul taste in Bokuto’s mouth.

“Kyle,” he sneers. “Why is Kyle on my memory screen?”

“You have some very strong feelings about this one.”

“He’s an _asshole._ ”

“Ah, I see,” Oikawa-Grim says with a laugh.

The video screen plays out a slideshow of Akaashi and Kyle, from their first meeting to when Bokuto realized there was something more going on. He hates that smug face, with his bright blue eyes and long blond hair, and don’t get him started on that beach tan skin. No one should look that bronze!

“He didn’t deserve him,” Bokuto says with pursed lips, as he shakes his head.

“They dated for a year.”

“Eleven months and five days give or take.”

“Ugh were you one of those creeps who likes the status update about being single?”

“No! Besides he never posted the change to begin with. Not with Kyle and not with Bryce.”

“Whose Bryce?”

“Asshole number two!” Bokuto exclaims. “Bryce was almost as bad as Kyle. He was, as Akaashi said, ‘ _into nature’_ ,” he says with a disgusted voice. “Most of the pictures Akaashi posted of them together were on hikes or at the beach and Bryce always seemed to have a cigarette in his mouth, or maybe it was a joint, either way for someone who was into nature he sure burned a lot of it.”

“So he never changed his relationship status?” Somehow the tilted look he’s being given matches Oikawa better than any other expression he’s seen during this odd one-on-one they’ve had going on.

“You wouldn’t believe the crap he got from both of them over it. ‘They tell me I’m cold and distant. That I put up a wall. I don’t see the point in publicly announcing my status of single or not singlehood’. I always told him to never let anyone change who he was.”

“Oh I am sure you were right there on the phone ready to listen whenever he wanted to trash talk his significant others.”

“What kind of asshole do you take me for? Watch the memories, you’ll see what I was like.”

Though he could only see himself, he knew he was on the phone with Akaashi and somehow he could hear Akaashi’s voice as well.

_“Kyle took me out to dinner, and well, apparently it was our six month anniversary and I had no clue.”_

_“Do people still celebrate those after high school?” Bokuto asked in disbelief._

_“Apparently they do, but no one mentioned that to me. I didn't even know what our actual anniversary was, but he did and now I’m apparently an asshole for not knowing. And he of course brought up the whole facebook thing… again.”_

_“Why don’t you want to change it, though?” he asked with genuine curiosity; Akaashi’s single status was all that kept him from spontaneously combusting every time he saw a picture of Akaashi posted with someone… that wasn’t him._

_“Because it's like spilling your entire self out to the world on a single page. I feel like giving everything away about myself leaves nothing left to me to discover.”_

_“Hey that’s actually really deep Akaashi, why don’t you tell Kyle that.”_

_“I did; he said I was spouting philosophical bullshit in an attempt to bulldoze over his feelings, never mind the fact that I had just shared my own.”_

_“I’m not saying you should change your status because that's important to you, but maybe cut him some slack and learn your anniversary days. That’s a good compromise, right?”_

_“Thank you Bokuto-san, I really appreciate you listening to me ramble on.”_

_“What are best friends for, and what did I say about the san?”_

_“Let me keep some parts of home won’t you? I keep having to explain to several people why I would prefer they call me Akaashi even though my first name is Keiji. Americans are sometimes a little too casual for me.”_

_“I miss you, Kaashi,” Bokuto said suddenly. It had been on his mind for days. Akaashi was on spring break and had been posting picture after picture of the beach. Bokuto had skipped class and took a train to the shore himself, just to stare across the water in the direction he hoped Akaashi was._

_“I miss you too, I miss everyone. How’s Kuroo-san?”_

_“He’s good. Would you believe me if I told you I walked in on him and Daichi making out?”_

_“You didn’t!”_

_“Scout’s honor, they were piss drunk and invited me to join. Don’t tell Kenma.”_

_“Of course not, has… has he said anything?”_

_“About Kenma? No, he’s uh, he’s sort of playing it off like this is nothing. Kuroo isn’t so good with words when it comes to his own feelings. Instead he badgers everyone else into admitting their own.”_

_“Sounds like you are speaking from personal experience,” Akaashi noted. Bokuto felt himself choke on his words. “What sort of feelings has Kuroo-san been trying to force you to admit.”_

_“Oh you know, just trying to get me to admit I have feelings for anything that doesn’t involve volleyball. That sort of thing.”_

_Akaashi laughed and Bokuto felt as though there was a weight being lifted from him. “You should go to bed, it's late.”_

_Bokuto looked at the clock and saw it read two am. “When’s your first class?”_

_“Not for another few hours.”_

_“I can stay awake a little longer.”_

_“Bokuto…”_

_“I never get to talk to you Kaash. Just a little longer, tell me about your photography class. I love all the stuff you’ve been sharing.”_

_Akaashi sighed, “Ok, so the project was to find an animal we’d never seen before and I thought, this should be easy, it's not like I’ve lived here that long. Would you believe I couldn’t find a single animal in this damn city that I hadn’t already seen befo…. Bokuto.”_

_Bokuto’s breath turned to light snores and Akaashi giggled to himself._

_“I love you Bokuto.”_

_“Mmmm, yeah me too Keiji… me too.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry for this, not at all. This was always how I had planned things from the get go.
> 
> Akaashi was gonna leave and Bokuto would be the one who let him.
> 
> The rest of the fic is actually all but finished and the following chapters all have a song that has influenced it greatly. I do hope you give them a listen.
> 
> [Find me on Tumblr](http://quinnlocke.tumblr.com/), my ask box is always open for whatever


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended Listening
> 
>  
> 
> [I'm not Dreaming of You - De/vision](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJixLclrpHM)  
> 

Bokuto stares at the screen in silence. “I didn’t have the sense to keep him; what right did I have to stop him from living his life?”

“He was there, though; he’d gone. You could have told him.”

“And what, start a relationship when we were living on two different continents? He had his own life to live and so did I. Telling him would have been selfish, and as you can see I have been actively avoiding that for many years.”

Oikawa-Grim sighs and they sit back and watch a few scenes from Bokuto’s life play out. “How many times did you walk in on people hooking up?”

“More than I want to… oh god, you’re going to make me relive them?”

“This is hilarious!”

_“Ushijima I need… oh fuck I am so sorry!”_

“Her name is Michimiya Yui and they are actually really cute together. Though I blushed every time I saw her again after that for about four months.

_“Daichi could you… god damn it! Kuroo what the fuck!”_

“That whole mess lasted for about three months, and let me tell you, I was ready to kill both of them.”

“Did you not approve?”

“I didn’t give a shit, it was that they never shut the fucking door!”

_“Oikawa, if I see your naked ass when I walk through this door!”_

“To be fair, I did specify his ass and not Iwaizumi’s, but still,” Bokuto says with a whine.

_“Oh my god!”_

_Bokuto slumped down in the living room and buried his face in his hands. Iwaizumi and Oikawa sat on the couch and stared at him with puzzled looks. Kuroo came in from the kitchen and flopped down next to him._

_“Everything all right Bo-chan?”_

_Bokuto looked up and sighed. “I think I might have just seen Ushijima’s friend getting head… from Daichi’s friend.”_

_“Asahi?” Kuroo asked._

_“No, the pretty one.”_

_“Oh my god that's too much sexy in one room. Semi_ and _Suga?” Oikawa said with a giggle._

_“No, I’m pretty sure it's the other one in there. The cool guy who I can now not become friends with because I’ve seen what amounts to his “O” face.”_

_Kuroo snorted. “If you think that guy’s cool, we need to work on what your definition of cool is. Have you seen his hair?”_

_“Have you seen yours, Tetsu-chan?” Oikawa countered._

_“You mean to tell me that Tendou Satori is getting head from Suga in Daichi and Ushijima’s bedroom?” Iwaizumi asked incredulously._

_“That is exactly what I am telling you.”_

_“Oh fuck, that’s a match made in the fiery pits of hell.”_

_“What is?” Daichi asked, walking into the apartment. He missed the chorus of screams telling him not to open his bedroom door. “Fucking hell, Suga!!”_

“Seems like everyone had someone but you,” Oikawa-Grim says with a small bit of sympathy.

Bokuto shrugs. “I wasn’t really interested, to be honest. Plus Olympic tryouts were in a year; I was focused on getting on the team.”

“So you never...?”

“Ok, once while drunk at a party, and no I do not want to watch it happen again.”

“That bad?”

“I called her Keiji when I came and she stormed out very angry.”

Oikawa-Grim stares at him in horror. “You didn’t.”

“Yeah I did, but you know what at least I had the ability to admit I had feelings that were gonna get me into trouble. Kuroo… Kuroo fucking nearly self destructed rather than face his.”

_Bokuto felt himself drifting off to sleep when he heard the front door of the apartment open. There were a couple odd sounds, as though someone was stumbling through the living room. Eventually his bedroom door opened and Kuroo came waltzing in drunk._

_“Nyan nyan mother fucker,” he drawled out._

_“Hoot hoot,” Bokuto replied back sleepily. “What are you doing here? Where were you?”_

_“Out getting smashed with a lovely lovely lady, I lost her at some point in the evening and realized I was closer to here than my dorm. So here I am. Wanna snuggle?”_

_Bokuto laughed and shuffled to the side to let Kuroo climb into bed with him. “You’re kinda cute when you’re all drunk and not lip locked with Daichi,” he said, wrapping an arm around Kuroo. “Speaking of, why aren’t you sliding your drunk ass into his bed?”_

_“Daichi dumped me,” Kuroo responded with a sigh. “Though actually that’s not accurate since we weren’t really… a thing. At least we never said we were a thing and I never asked to be a thing. So yeah, we just stopped being the not thing we never were.”_

_“That doesn’t make any sense.”_

_“Neither does my head.”_

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

_Kuroo shook his head and buried his face in the pillow. “In the morning, tell me to confront my heart and give it a good kick in the teeth. ‘Cause I fucking hate what it’s doing to me.”_

_“Kuroo, you seem a bit more open now… maybe it’s better to get it out.”_

_“What am I supposed to say?”_

_“That you’ve been on a bit of a self-destructive kick for over a year. You spend more time here than your own dorm and that's a feat since you go to a completely different college. I’ve watched you blow through more people in the last year than I think either of us know.”_

_Kuroo snickered loudly. “To be fair I only ‘blew’ the ones with the parts for it.”_

_Bokuto sighed but gave Kuroo the benefit of a chuckle. “I’m just saying, I feel like Daichi is having fun and experiencing life. You, seems like you’re running from something and using other people to help.”_

_“I haven’t used anyone. I haven’t made promises, never said I was gonna be something I wasn’t for anyone.”_

_“Yeah but if you’re fucking them to make yourself forget about....”_

_Kuroo shifted and sat up. “Don’t you dare say it.”_

_“Kuroo,” Bokuto started gently._

_“No, don’t put your fucking feelings on me, okay. I’m not the one who couldn’t tell someone how I felt. I’m not the one who fucking chickened out at the last minute and made up a bullshit excuse for why I was a fucking coward,” he yelled, shoving Bokuto off the bed._

_“What the fuck, Kuroo!” Bokuto said, jumping up and putting his arms up in a defensive pose. He didn’t think it would come to a fight, but he wasn’t sure where Kuroo was mentally. “You fucking know not one bit of that is true, and how dare you bring Akaashi into this.”_

_“No! You don’t get to tell me how I fucking feel! I’m not doing anything wrong! I don’t have… I didn’t… I…!” Kuroo sneered before charging forward and crashing into Bokuto’s stomach._

_“What the fuck!” he yelled, crashing to the floor._

_“Fuck you!”_

_“Damn it Kuroo!”_

_They rolled on the ground and eventually found themselves in the living room. The coffee table overturned and the PS4 turned on when Bokuto’s face smacked into the controller. Bokuto eventually got Kuroo off of him and was trying to get up when Kuroo grabbed his legs and pulled him down._

_“You fucking take it back!” Kuroo yelled._

_“I can’t take back what I didn’t say!” Bokuto countered._

_Suddenly Bokuto was lifted by the back of his shirt, and was slammed into the wall by Iwaizumi. Kuroo found himself flattened on the ground by Oikawa, who planted his ass right on his shoulders._

_“What the fuck are you two doing!” Iwaizumi bellowed. “You trying to get yourselves fucking kicked out?”_

_“He fucking went nuts on me!”_

_“He’s trying to make me say things I don’t fucking feel!” Kuroo cried out from between Oikawa’s legs_

_“I just…”_

_“Bokuto shut up,” Iwaizumi snapped. “He’s drunk. You’re never gonna get him to talk straight unless we sober him up.”_

_“ I can’t stay sitting like this for that long, it will screw up my knee,” Oikawa said, resting a hand on his palm and pushing his weight down on Kuroo. There was a light sobbing, and he looked down to see Kuroo crying into the carpet._

_“He’s right,” Kuroo cried. “He’s been right the whole time and I…”_

_“It's okay, Tetsu-chan,” Oikawa said softly. Iwaizumi came over and helped him to his feet. Kuroo sat up and crossed his legs, burying his face in his palms. Oikawa sat down next to him and rubbed circles on his back. Iwaizumi pulled an ice pack from the freezer and handed it to Bokuto, gesturing to his left eye. Bokuto nodded and put the pack against his face, wincing at the sting._

_“All right Tetsu, let it out, go on.”_

_“I… miss Kenma. I miss him so much.”_

_“And?”_

_“I think I might have feelings for him.”_

_“I’ll order your jacket tomorrow,” Oikawa said with a laugh, pulling Kuroo into a hug. Bokuto came to sit on his other side and rested his head on his shoulder._

_“Bo, oh Bo I’m so sorry!” Kuroo cried, grabbing onto Bokuto and sobbing into his shoulder._

_“Hey, it’s okay,” Bokuto replied, rubbing the back of Kuroo’s head. “I’m surprised it took this long for us to try and kick each other’s asses.”_

_“Iwa-chan, how come you don’t cry when you needlessly try to beat me up?” Oikawa asked with a laugh._

_“Because it’s never needless,” Iwaizumi countered, earning a glare from Oikawa._

_“Rude.”_

“So he finally admitted how he felt,” Oikawa-Grim says with a shake of their head. “Could have saved himself a lot of trouble by saying something sooner.”

“His situation was completely different than mine. I knew how I felt when Akaashi left. Kuroo didn’t realize what was going on in his head until Kenma left, and even then he was in denial.”

“So this is the part where you tell me why you didn’t go to California with him when he went to see Kenma.”

“Olympic tryouts,” Bokuto sighs. “You can’t blame me for that one.”

“No, you’re right; I can’t. What happened with Kuroo?”

“He showed up in Cali, embarrassed Kenma in public and had to spend an hour outside his dorm room apologizing.”

“How do you know this if you weren't there?”

“Akaashi Skype-called me and let me watch the whole thing. We both had popcorn; it was wonderful.”

_Akaashi set himself up in the hallway outside of Kenma’s dorm room, is laptop positioned so Bokuto could see him and also Kuroo over his shoulder begging Kenma to come out._

_“So what did he do exactly?” Bokuto asked._

_“Barged into the student lounge, yelled ‘Kitten’, and scooped Kenma into a hug.”_

_“Wow…”_

_“Yeah, I have never heard Kenma shriek before. He sounded like a dying cat.”_

_“Seems appropriate. So I assume Kenma is pretty pissed.”_

_“He took off running, and Kuroo tried to follow but got lost so I directed him to where he is now.”_

_“After you acquired your laptop and made sure I was available to watch the drama unfold,” Bokuto noted with a grin._

_“Of course; what are best friends for, after all?”_

_“I’m sorry Kenma, I just missed you so much, okay? I did so many stupid things while you were gone. Well maybe not stupid things, actually I was pretty safe. It was that I was being stupid when I was doing them. I’m so sorry, I just needed to see you and I got so excited Kenma. Come on! I flew all the way from Japan to see you and you’re gonna hide from me?”_

_“How long do you think he’s gonna do this to him?” Bokuto asked. Akaashi glanced down, ostensibly to look at the clock on his laptop._

_“I think he’s gonna probably make him grovel for another fifteen minutes or so. He was just telling me last week how much he misses Kuroo and how he’s going to transfer and finish his degree in Tokyo. Says he’s figured out who he is, and where he belongs is back there.”_

_“Kenma please! I’m sorry I embarrassed you. I just had this horrible moment after hooking up with yet another person, and I realized that I was running away from something. I was running away from the fact that I missed you so much. And I got carried away!”_

_Bokuto cringed and Akaashi rolled his eyes. “It's better that he’s honest now, ‘cause I can guarantee he’ll freeze up as soon as he sees Kenma’s face again. Besides, Kenma knows he’s been with people.”_

_“Is he pissed about it?”_

_“Not at all. Kenma said he never expected more than friendship from Kuroo. It's not like Kenma has been dead while he’s been here. He’s just more selective.”_

_“Kuroo was… okayhe wasn’t selective but I can guarantee there was a reason behind every one of his hook ups. Well okay, there was that one chick, but seriously Akaashi she tied a cherry stem with her tongue,” Bokuto said with a laugh._

_“I can do that too,” Akaashi deadpanned, chuckling at the wide eyed stare Bokuto gave in response._

_“Kenma, please, I realized I’m in love with you and that’s why I’m here. I love you and I had to come right away to tell you.” Kuroo sat in front of Kenma’s door on his knees, wringing his hands in front of him._

_The sound of a door opening came through the speakers and the last Bokuto saw of Kuroo was him flying backwards as Kenma crashed into him._

“Are you sad you missed it?”

“Nah, I kinda liked how it played out for me. Akaashi and I kept a running commentary in the chat feed so we have full evidence of everything we said about it. It's a happy memory. Besides, as you know I tried out and got in.”

“You did, and so did a few others.”

_“Hinata!”_

_“Bokuto-san! I did it! I’m on the team!”_

_“I know, I’m so fucking proud of you!”_

_“Bokuto-san, this is Kageyama he’s my best friend and my setter.”_

_“Ah, Sour-face, I remember you. Oi! Tsukki! You’re here too!”_

_“Yes Bokuto-san, it appears we are having a bit of a reunion.”_

_“To think three years ago you sucked at volleyball and now here you are on the Olympic team!”_

_Tsukishima was about to counter when he was suddenly latched onto from behind. “Tsukki! It's a Karasuno reunion!”_

_“Noya-san!”_

_The small figure who’d toppled Tsukishima to the ground stood and hugged Hinata. Bokuto was introduced to Nishinoya Yuu, who he remembered from the Spring Training. Japan’s men’s volleyball team was constructed of a few players who’d been on the National team, and the best and brightest of the Nationals contenders of Bokuto’s third year of high school._

_“Bokuto-san,” Hinata whispered suddenly. “Is that Oikawa-san?”_

_Bokuto looked up to see Oikawa approaching Kageyama, a determined look on his face. “Yeah, why?”_

_“He and Kageyama don’t get along,” Hinata warned, and Bokuto was about to walk over to prevent anything from happening when Oikawa thrust his hand out towards Kageyama._

_“Oikawa Tooru,” he said. “That was some impressive setting. I think we’ve got a real shot with the two of us on the team.”_

_Kageyama hesitated before taking the hand that was offered to him. “Kageyama Tobio; I agree and I’m looking forward to working with you.”_

_Bokuto didn’t hear what else was said because his ear drums were nearly bursting from the sheer volume of Hinata crowing in disbelief next to him._

“Ushijima made the team as well; Hinata was beside himself. Couldn’t pick between being absolutely overjoyed and absolutely petrified.”

“He looked shorter in your earlier memories.”

“He was, oh god he was so tiny. Him and Noya both. Though Noya never got himself past 164 centimeters, Hinata practically willed himself to 173. He’s gonna be okay, right?” Bokuto asks worriedly. “He’s my disciple, my protégé… everyone jokes that he’s my son.”

“He will do all he can to live up to your memory.”

“Good, that’s good. We’re almost to the end.”

“Yes, we are.”

“So what’s next?”

_“Why did you let me go?”_

“Oh right,” Bokuto sighs, “That…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am happy to report that there are only 2 more chapters left until the end.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended Listening
> 
> [Love Will Find a Way Home - De/vision](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcLKHhHCfLw)

_When he saw Akaashi’s name on the caller ID, he glanced at the clock he kept in order to know what time it was in California and saw that it was past two in the morning. The clock had been the first thing he’d hung up on the wall of his new apartment. Living alone had taken some getting used to, but that clock always showing the time where Akaashi was somehow made it a little less lonely._

_Bokuto’s position on the future Olympic team came with a few endorsement deals and he had soon found himself with enough money to afford a place on his own. Oikawa and Iwaizumi had already found their own place, and Bokuto knew Daichi and Ushijima were growing tired of sharing a bedroom, so he made the choice to move out and live on his own._

_“Akaashi?”_

_“Why did you let me go?”_

_“Akaash…”_

_“I’m so lonely… it’s lonely here. I found myself, sure. But I’m alone, so why does it matter. Why did you let me leave?” Akaashi’s voice slurred and Bokuto immediately caught on to the fact that he was obviously very drunk. Bokuto thought hard about what to say. Kenma had long since returned to Japan, so messaging him to tend to Akaashi wasn’t an option. After the debacle with Kuroo, he had become quite wary of inebriated friends._

_“I had to. I couldn’t… I couldn’t hold you back,” he said, his voice as gentle as he could manage._

_“I hate it here, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said with a whimper, his voice choking. “I read the street signs and it makes me sad, because they aren’t what I grew up with. I miss hearing my language all the time. I miss ramen and onigiri, I just want some decent nanohana. And… and I miss you.”_

_“I miss you too, Akaashi.”_

_“I want to come home,” he whined. “I just want to come home!”_

_“You gotta see this through, you only got a little bit longer ‘til you graduate right?”_

_“Too long, it’s always gonna be too long.”_

_“Hey, when you come back… there's some things I gotta tell you… Akaashi?”_

_The sound of Akaashi’s snores carried through the speaker and Bokuto hung up only after he was sure the other man was absolutely asleep. He cried himself to sleep that night, thinking only that somehow this was his fault. Akaashi was sad and miserable and if Bokuto had just said something… maybe he wouldn’t have gone._

_No, no he had to go. It was the right thing to do. Akaashi was just lonely. Kenma had been a sort of constant reminder of home and with him gone Akaashi just felt like he was on his own. It would pass._

_***_

_**Akaashi** 12:06pm_

_I have a headache that is threatening to destroy me and a call log that indicates I was on the phone with you at 2 in the morning. I am so sorry if I said anything embarrassing or presumptuous last night._

_**Bokuto** 12:15pm_

_Nope, you were just a little drunk is all. No problem really, made for some fun dinner conversation._

_**Akaashi** 12:23pm_

_I’m so glad i could keep you entertained…_

_**Bokuto** 12:25pm_

_If you’re feeling down you know you can always call me right? No matter the time._

_**Akaashi** 12:29pm_

_I know and thank you_

“He talked to his academics advisor. Told them he was homesick and that he worried it would affect his grades. Turns out he could graduate if he took some summer courses. Of course, that meant he couldn’t come visit for the summer like he had planned. But that was okay, because it meant he would be coming home sooner.”

“And you had your own courses and volleyball to worry about.”

“I tried to work around my schedule, but it would mean just one day there. Only one day, and Akaashi told me not to do it.”

“I suppose knowing he was coming home made it easier not to go?”

“Yeah.” Bokuto nods. “Plus I was swamped with so much that honestly those six months flew by like nothing.”

***

_**Akaashi** 9:00am_

_I know you are probably asleep but I have some great news for you._

_**Akaashi** 9:04am_

_One of my professors is from Tokyo and has some connections still. She sent my photography portfolio to a few of the papers and magazines._

_**Akaashi** 9:10am_

_I just had an interview with Sankei Sports. They’ve offered me a job! Bokuto I have a job when I come home._

_**Bokuto** 8:04am_

_Akaashi!!!!!!!!!! Thats awesome!!!! How much longer?? Remind me again I forgot to write it down!!!_

_**Akaashi** 12:07pm_

_2 months_

_***_

_**Bokuto** 8:09pm_

_Hey hey hey, guess what the calendar says only 1 more month!!_

_***_

_**Akaashi** 1:34pm_

_3 weeks and 4 days Bokuto-san_

_***_

_**Bokuto** 6:24pm_

_2 weeks on the dot! I bought some new kitchen supplies so when you come over we can have real food_

_**Akaashi** 2:26am_

_I didn’t know you could cook_

_**Bokuto** 6:29pm_

_Akaashi! You should be asleep! Did i wake you up?_

_**Akaashi** 2:30am_

_I was finishing up some work on a final project. Tell me about the food you’re gonna cook for me_

_**Bokuto** 6:32pm_

_So far I’ve learned to make omurice and not gonna lie, its really good._

_**Akaashi** 2:34am_

_Oh yes, please continue_

_**Bokuto** 6:36pm_

_Do i need to kinkshame you?_

_***_

_**Bokuto** 4:45pm_

_9 more days Akaashi!!!_

_***_

_**Akaashi** 6:25pm_

_6 more days, I somehow managed to pack everything I own into boxes and I am living out of a suitcase._

_***_

_**Bokuto** 2:12pm_

_4 more days_

_**Bokuto** 6:34am_

_3 more days_

_**Bokuto** 9:23pm_

_Akaashi?? You’re still coming home tomorrow right?_

_**Bokuto** 10:45pm_

_Keiji?_

“What happened?” Oikawa-Grim asks.

“You already know, why must you make me say it?”

“Shall we watch instead?”

“It’s not like you’re going to give me a choice regardless.”

_Incoming Call… Akaashi Keiji_

_“Akaashi?”_

_“At what point were you planning on telling me about the conversation you had with my mother?” Akaashi asked accusingly._

_“What?”_

_“I know you spoke to my mother Bokuto. Before I left… she… she tried to get you to make me stay.”_

_“Yes,” Bokuto admits, hesitantly. “She did.”_

_“Why didn’t you tell me? Didn’t you think I had a right to know?”_

_“I wanted you to make your own choices. I wanted you to do something for yourself for once.”_

_“I would have made whatever choice I wanted regardless! I deserved to know she had attempted to coerce you.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I left with a broken heart and I want to know if it was because of what she said to you!”_

_“Akaashi.”_

_“You know what Bokuto… don’t.”_

_“Wait!”_

_“I don’t care anymore. I should have stopped caring three years ago.”_

_“Don’t do this.”_

_“Don’t come to the airport tomorrow. I don’t want to see you.”_

Silence settles around them once again, and Bokuto feels nothing. Instead he stares out into the void before finally asking the question that’s been on his mind since he got there.

“What happened to me?” he asks. “I can’t remember what happened.”

“You have no memory of today at all?”

Bokuto stares down at his hands and shakes his head. “How did I die? You said I got hit by a car… but how?”

Oikawa-Grim gives him a sorrowful look. “I always hate this part, especially when the person can’t remember anything that happened. This is going to be hard for you to watch.”

“Can’t be half as bad as watching the worst moments of my life play out in front of me knowing full well I can’t do a damn thing to fix any of them,” he says with disdain. Oikawa-Grim sighs and gestures to the screen.

_Bokuto woke up that morning and considered going right back to sleep. He glanced at the clock and it read 9:34 AM…_

_“Nine… thirty four,” he said quietly, trying to figure out why that number was resonating with him._

_“Akaashi!” he yelled, jumping out of bed. Akaashi’s flight was landing at that very moment. He had woken up exactly when Akaashi had arrived back in Japan; it was a fucking sign! “I’m coming Akaashi, I don’t care if you told me not to. I’m not letting you go again.”_

_Bokuto pulled on his clothes quickly and nearly tripped over his untied shoelaces as he sprinted out the door. He rushed down the street, waving down every cab that passed him until one finally stopped._

_“Haneda please, and hurry,” he said, climbing into the cab. He fidgeted in the back seat, his leg bouncing up and down as he stared at the passing scenery._

_“Meeting someone?” the cab driver asked with a knowing smile._

_Bokuto nodded and chewed his bottom lip as the cab made its way through the Tokyo streets. About ten blocks away they hit a major traffic jam, and Bokuto decided to make it the rest of the way on foot. He threw a handful of yen at the driver, barely catching the comment that he had paid more than double. “Consider it a tip for getting me this far!” he yelled before taking off in a sprint._

_He had no idea how he was going to find Akaashi once he got to the airport. Their plan had been to meet at the terminal station outside, so that was where Bokuto decided he would go. Maybe he would get lucky._

_He ran until he could feel his chest ready to burst and still he pushed onwards. It wasn't until he stood across the street from the terminal that he finally stopped. He bent at the knee and took several deep breaths, feeling the burn in his lungs. He felt for a moment like someone was watching him, and he slowly looked up._

_He stood up and froze at the sight across the street from him. Grey green eyes met golden ones and they stared for a moment, each of them seemingly in disbelief of the person standing before them._

There’s a sudden sense of time slowing as Bokuto takes off in a run across the street. Akaashi stares at him wide eyed before he’s shoved to the side as the car that was heading straight for him… hits Bokuto instead.

“Akaashi!!!” his voice echoes through the void.

Bokuto watches as his body is thrown from the impact of the car striking him. He hadn’t run into the road to get to Akaashi. He’d run to stop the car that was coming at him… and took the impact himself.

“I… I saved him?”

“You did.”

“I can’t remember any of it,” he says in disbelief. “I can’t remember what I did that day. I just… why can’t I remember?”

“Trauma will do that. So you don’t remember your last words to him?”

“No.”

“Do you want to know?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“I have to show you your last moments, I’m sorry.”

_“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi sobbed, holding Bokuto’s head in his lap. “Don’t you dare leave me. You can’t leave me now.”_

_“Akaashi,” Bokuto choked out, gazing up in wonder at the face above him. “You’re okay? I did it?”_

_“I’m okay, I’m alive, now you have to stay alive too, okay?” Akaashi shook with the effort of holding back his tears. “You aren’t allowed to die. Not when I’m finally home.”_

_“So happy to see you. I missed you so much.”_

_“Shhh, don’t waste your energy.”_

_“Keiji…” he whimpered. “I love you. Should have told you that back then. But… but you needed to find your own way,” he coughed and felt his chest fight against his gasps for air. “Didn’t want to hold you back.”_

_His body grew still, and Akaashi gripped him tighter. “Bokuto-san.... Bokuto-san… Koutarou, come back, please come back.”_

“He knows you loved him. It was your last words to him.”

“It's not enough.”

“No?”

“No, it's never gonna be enough is it? I’m going to spend eternity regretting that I never told him exactly how I felt.”

“What would you say?” Grim’s voice has changed again.

Bokuto looks up to see Akaashi standing in front of him. Not the fifteen year old version he’d met all those years ago, not the eighteen year old one he let leave, this was _Akaashi_. The last face he saw before departing from this world.

“You're not Akaashi,” he says with tears in his eyes.

“For all intents and purposes, in this moment here and now I am. So tell me.”

Bokuto takes a moment to think before looking into the eyes that have never left his thoughts. He takes Akaashi-Grim’s hands into his own and intertwines their fingers.

“I haven't stopped thinking about you since you left. You were always more than just a best friend to me. You were my teammate, my partner, my setter, my companion... you were my everything.” He takes a deep breath of nothing before continuing. “I let you go so you could find a you that didn't have to do with me. And when you did, I thought I'd be okay. But in the end I never was. I want to be the you and me that we can be together. I want a chance to know what that could be like.” The words lift a weight he hadn’t known was there, and he feels himself taking a breath. Wait… he _feels._

“Oh, Bokuto,” Akaashi-Grim says with a smile. “You better remember those words.”

“Owww, oh god what was that?” Bokuto cries as a jolt hits him in the chest. He falls to his knees and is overcome with the sensation of _feeling_.

“It's your heart finally working again,” Grim says, their voice now like static all around him. “Right on time, too, we’ve been here nearly six minutes.”

“Owww what the fuck!” He feels jolt after jolt hitting him, beat after beat, over and over again. It makes his eyes water and he feels his tears stream down his face. Grim leans down, their face a white canvas with wide black eyes boring into him. He feels as though his entire body is being beaten into consciousness.

“Remember what you told me, Koutarou,” they say with no mouth. “Or I swear I will come back for you and I'll look even freakier than before!”

“Stop stop, make it stop!”

“You’ve been given a rare opportunity, don’t waste it.”

_**Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go!!
> 
> I'm sure you now know where Bokuto will be when he wakes up.
> 
> Thank you for sticking around and I hope you enjoy the soon to be happy ending.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Recommended Listening - Capital Cities - Safe and Sound](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47dtFZ8CFo8)

_“It's your heart finally working again. Right on time too, we’ve been here nearly six minutes.”_

_“Stop stop, make it stop!”_

_“You’ve been given a rare opportunity, don’t waste it.”_

_**Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...** _

 

He's warm—incredibly warm, actually. It's as though he's cocooned in nothing but warmth. 

_“This is nice.”_

There's that white light again, though. Why is he laying down, and why is his mouth so dry? He needs water or something... 

_“Open your eyes…”_

Slowly he opens his eyes, and takes a moment to realize where he is. A hospital?

It has to be, given the muted green of the walls and the stark white of the blankets covering him. There's an IV hooked into his arm, and he's pretty sure the incessant beeping is his heart rate. What strikes him, though, is that he _feels_. There’s pain rippling at the edges of his consciousness, but it’s so good to feel it. The light is starting to be less harsh on his eyes and he blinks slowly, groaning as he tries to move.

“Bokuto-san?”

He turns his head and smiles because it’s him, it’s Akaashi. His eyes brim with tears as he rushes towards Bokuto’s bed. Bokuto reaches an unsteady hand out to him; his limbs feel heavy but nothing is going to stop him from touching Akaashi. 

“Aka… kashi,” he whines out; his throat feels dry. “Thirsty.”

“I’ll call your nurse, I think they said you could have ice chips when you woke up, let me go get her.” He goes to leave but Bokuto uses what little strength he has to grab his hand and grip tight.

“No... stay,” he manages to choke out.

“I’ll only be a minute,” Akaashi insists with a gentle smile.

“Should have told you that I wanted you to stay.” His voice is raspy and it hurts to talk, but he knows he needs to say something. 

“Bokuto-san, don’t strain yourself.”

“Please Akaashi, please listen.”

They’re interrupted by a nurse, who no doubt noticed a change in his vitals, because he’s soon being tended to. They give him water and ice chips and eventually his throat isn’t dry anymore, but he’s not being left alone with Akaashi. Who, despite several looks from the nurses, has not left the room once. Mostly because when they made to usher him out, Bokuto’s heart rate shot up and he attempted to get out of the bed to grab ahold of him. He’s held his position just to the side of Bokuto’s bed, his eyes staying trained on him, never wavering.

“All right, your doctor is going to be alerted that you’ve regained consciousness. He will be around soon to discuss what's happened and where you will go from here. Do you know what happened to you?”

Bokuto scrunches his eyes shut and thinks for a moment. “I died…?”

Akaashi chokes for a moment and grabs a glass of water from the bedside tray and downs it. The nurse’s look softens and she squeezes Bokuto’s hand. “Only for a little bit. You had a bit of a nasty collision with a car. But the paramedics on site were able to resuscitate you.”

“How long?”

“Your doctor has that infor…”

“Six minutes,” Akaashi interrupts suddenly. “He was gone six minutes.”

“This is something he will need to discuss with his doctor, and if you upset my patient I am going to have to escort you out.”

“How much luck have you had with escorting me out since I arrived?” Akaashi retorts and the nurse narrows her eyes at him. Despite their apparent animosity, Bokuto can sense this nurse has a bit of a soft spot for Akaashi; her posture gives it away.

“Try and keep him calm,” she says before leaving the room and pulling the door just enough that anyone walking down the hall can’t just peek in. Akaashi lets out a breath of air and walks over to the bed, taking Bokuto’s hand into his own. The silence is broken only when Akaashi breaks down into sobs.

“Akaashi,” Bokuto whines, “Wait no, stop you can’t start crying now!”

“Bokuto-san! What were you thinking?” he cries, his lower lip trembling.

“I saw you and I… I had to save you.”

“You nearly died!”

“But you lived. Didn’t want to be in a world without you.”

“You almost wasted your entire life and for what?”

“I would waste everything if it meant never having to say goodbye to you again,” he says with finality, squeezing Akaashi’s hand.

“Bokuto-san?”

“I never wanted you to go,” he declares. “I wanted you to stay, here with me. I never wanted to let you go. That day… when you tried to confess.”

“You stopped me.”

“Because if I let you say those words, I would have said them back. Then I would have kissed you and I would have never let you go. I would have found a way to make you stay here. I couldn’t do that to you, not again.”

“Bokuto…”

“Akaashi, I love you,” he says with a smile, looking at Akaashi with fondness in his eyes. “I’ve loved you for a very long time and I can’t go another day not saying it out loud. I don’t want you to leave again, but if you have to… this time I’m following you.”

“You’re an idiot,” Akaashi growls out, shaking his head. “Three years, Koutarou. _Three years_!”

“What?”

“You waited three years and nearly dying to tell me you loved me back when we could have been together this entire time?” he says with exasperation, though his lips keep twitching into a soft smile.

“But if I… you wouldn't have…”

“Koutarou, I have never done anything that I didn’t truly want to do.” Akaashi reaches out and runs his fingers down Bokuto’s cheek. “All those extra hours of practice, I wanted to do them. The study sessions of subjects I hadn’t taken yet, I wanted to be there for you. The only person who never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do was you. You could have told me, I would have still gone and we could have found a way to be together.”

“I thought…”

“Weakness #24, Bokuto-san over thinks,” he responds dryly.

“That’s not fair, you were supposed to forget all of those,” he pouts before brightening. “Hey, you called me Koutarou.”

“I did.”

“Does that mean?”

“If you’d like, though I am partial to way you manage to find every way to say my name incorrectly.”

“Aggaashi,” he says with a smirk and a low growl. “No,” he corrects with a shake of his head. “From now on you are Keiji.”

“I am.”

“My Keiji,” he says squeezing his hand.

“If that’s what you want.”

“Only if it’s what you want.”

“It has always been what I want.”

“I’m gonna warn you, my lips are really dry and chapped. But I really want to kiss you, so you gotta just pretend they're nice and soft and it's the best kiss ever,” Bokuto says solemnly.

“I think I can do that,” Akaashi replies with a soft laugh before leaning over the bed to kiss Bokuto softly. “I love you, Koutarou,” he whispers as their lips part.

“You do?”

“Of course I do, how could I not?”

“Oh well that's good, cause I’ve loved you for three years, six months, three weeks, and… how long have I been out?”

Akaashi chuckles and shakes his head. “Don’t ever let me go again, okay? Always keep me.”

“I will Akaashi, I promise.”

***

_2 years later…_

Akaashi watched from the stands as the men's team practiced, occasionally snapping a picture. The press pass around his neck got him access to the team's practice sessions. His connection to the captain introduced him to the family and significant others of the team, so he was rarely lonely when he was working.

“Bokuto-san is in top form today,” Yamaguchi said with a smile, elbowing Akaashi. “I still can’t believe he’s even able to play.”

“They don’t call him the Tokyo Miracle for nothing.”

Bokuto had become a celebrity in the weeks following his near-death experience. It wasn’t every day that a future Olympic athlete nearly killed themselves saving the life of their high school best friend. Mostly, the newspapers were interested in how possibly losing one of their best players would affect the team. Others had more intimate questions to ask, and both Akaashi and Bokuto had fielded them as best they could. They took a page out of Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s book and were careful to only reveal their relationship to a select few people. Neither were interested in making a public display of their relationship, especially when it was still so new to them.

“Good afternoon Akaashi, Yamaguchi,” a small voice piped up behind them. Iris Mackenzie, Nishinoya’s girlfriend, took the open seat next to Yamaguchi. 

“Hello Kenzie-kun!” Yamaguchi said excitedly, wrapping an arm around the tiny woman's waist. Akaashi nodded in greeting. Iris had recently dyed a blonde streak into the front of her long black hair, in solidarity with her similarly coiffed partner. Her green eyes were full of joy as she was hugged by Yamaguchi.

“Nishinoya seems to be doing better. How is his ankle?” Akaashi asked. Nishinoya had sprained his ankle during a practice match and had been benched for a week.

Iris sighed. “It's much, much better. But I'm worried he will overdo it and not be at full strength for the games. I keep telling him that he’s already amazing, that a little rest won’t change that.”

“He's just as stubborn as Bokuto-san in that regard,” Akaashi noted. “How is Tsukishima dealing with the press?”

Yamaguchi paused for a moment and took a moment to observe who was nearby. “He’s still working on his public face. It doesn’t help that Hinata, Bokuto, and Oikawa are so exuberant in their interviews. Kei tries, but he gets tired easily after talking to too many people. I keep telling him that Kageyama has it just as bad and he shouldn’t worry too much.”

“Noya doesn't have it much better. He speaks too fast and he's always worried about how that makes him look,” Iris commented waving at the man in question who looked up to see her in the stands. “Ushijima manages to do just fine. Tsukishima should talk to him about it.”

“I think he’s more concerned that they will find out about us,” Yamaguchi intoned. 

“It can be difficult to conceal sometimes,” Akaashi corroborated. “Bokuto and I had similar difficulties when I moved in with him, though we had the luck that he was recovering from the accident and needed someone staying with him. And who better to help him than the person he nearly died trying to save.” 

Iris sighed and reached around Yamaguchi to rub her hand up Akaashi’s arm. “It’s so stupid that you have to keep such an important part of yourself under wraps.”

“Even if same-sex relationships weren’t such a taboo, I doubt we’d be that open about it. I prefer a bit of privacy in my life. I don’t even have my relationship with Bokuto-san listed on social media.”

“Well then I feel special that I get to be someone who knows,” she said with a smile. “Only one more week and they’ll be seen by the world.”

Akaashi smiled and watched as Bokuto readied himself for a serve. He raised his camera and took a few shots before saying goodbye to Iris and Yamaguchi. He made his way down to the court and held up his press pass. Family and friends were expected to remain in the stands, though occasionally Iris and Ushijima’s girlfriend Michimiya somehow found their way onto the court. He was allowed to pass, but he kept a good distance between himself and the players. The last thing he needed was Bokuto getting distracted by his presence.

Sometimes it was strange to watch someone else set to Bokuto. He sometimes missed the feeling he got in his chest watching Bokuto leap for his tosses. The way his muscles tensed right before the jump. The way he smiled as he rose into the air. The curl of his arm as he used all of his power to slam the ball to the other side. He raised the camera again and took a few shots. Half the pictures he took ended up in a private folder on his laptop: a slideshow of nothing but Bokuto, in top form, his own personal human highlight reel.

He smiled when Bokuto’s gaze turned to him after he landed. His eyes asked ‘was it good Akaashi? Did you see my amazing spike just now?’

Akaashi nodded, ‘yes Bokuto, it was amazing.’

***

“Japan has won! The men's team has won gold! For the first time ever, Japan is bringing home the gold for volleyball!”

“The players are beyond themselves with happiness! Look at all the joy on the court.”

“It would appear both Ushijima and Nishinoya are receiving victory kisses. Oikawa looks to be... yes that’s his nephew he’s hugging, maybe in eight years we’ll have another Oikawa on the team to bring home gold.”

“It looks like Tsukishima was taken out by a hug from both Hinata and Kageyama. They played together in high school, no doubt he’s used to this by now.”

“Bokuto Koutarou is hugging, that looks to be his best friend.”

“Yes, that’s the same one whose life he saved. Many thought he wouldn't be able to play after his accident; I suppose he’s proven them all wrong.”

***

“Akaashi, I did it!” Bokuto exclaimed, his arms wrapped tight around him.

“You did, you really did it!”

“Akaashi… marry me.”

“What?”

“I mean it. Marry me. I wanted to get down on one knee when we won and ask you, but I know you like to be private and all that. But I still wanted to ask you. ‘Cause I wanna give you more than just a gold medal.”

“Bokuto, oh gods you fool do it. I know you want to.”

“You mean it?”

“Yes, show the world I don’t care do it! I love you!”

“I love you too Akaashi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap this has been one hell of a ride.
> 
> Seriously when I came up with this concept it was so far removed from what it ended up becoming. Either way I am so happy to have finally finished writing it. I cried, I laughed, I questioned whether or not I was a good person. In the end however it is a happy ending. Thank you so much for sticking around, for kudo-ing, and commenting.
> 
> If you liked this check out my [Bokuaka](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10868985) and [Kuroken](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10736931) restaurant au, bit more hilarity and a lot less angst.
> 
> Thanks again!!


End file.
